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I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know, my mind echoed with every set of footsteps across the yard and up to his door. My knuckles rapped sharp on his screen door. I swiped tears from my cheeks, looking greedily into his living room for any sign of him.
Bowie barked, the sound of his nails slipping on the hardwood growing louder as he approached.
“Slow down, buddy,” Jake said on a chuckle from somewhere beyond my vision.
He was smiling down at Bowie when he came into view. But when he looked up and found me, he stopped, his smile falling. I didn’t care about his flat lips or any of the sharpening squares of him at the sight of me. It didn’t matter. Because now I knew.
Nothing was what I’d thought it was.
Slowly, he started toward me.
“What do you need?” he asked. It wasn’t quite rude. It wasn’t friendly, either.
“Can I come in?”
He glanced at the bundle of papers clutched in my arms. “What’s that?”
“Please, can I come in?” I couldn’t seem to say anything more, my voice wavering. My brain had devolved to single-thought processing.
Jake’s lips went from flat to turned down just a little. But he pushed open the door and held it so I could enter.
I flew through the threshold and past him, whirling around as soon as I was inside.
Puzzled, he turned to face me. “What the hell’s gotten into you—”
“I found the papers,” I blurted.
“What papers?”
I shoved the folder into his chest—if I spoke, I’d burst into tears.
He looked down. Took them. Angled them out for inspection. Understanding hit him.
When he met my gaze, his eyes churned with sadness, regret. Pain. “Where did you find this?” he asked quietly.
“Pop’s office.”
Silence. Then, “So now you know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t Ed tell me?”
“That the farm’s debt was because of me? I asked Ed not to tell you—it’s not his job anyway. But I figured you’d find out sooner or later.”
I frowned. “They came for you. Pop helped you. You—”
“I ruined the farm.”
“No—”
“Yes,” he shot, instantly furious and arching over me. “All of this is my fault. He should have just let them send me away, but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t let it go, said the farm would bounce back. It never did, so he took out the second mortgage. And now it’s up to me to fix it.”
“Not you. Us.”
A dry laugh. “All you’ve done is put us in the hole. Sure, you’re making it up, but there’s no getting this back.” He held up the file before slapping it on the table near the door.
“All this time, and I had no idea,” I said with an air of wonder, unfazed. “I would have done everything differently if I’d known.”
“I don’t want your pity.”
He brushed past me, but I grabbed him by the arm. He stopped.
“Jake, please,” I begged gently. “Please don’t walk away.”
His nostrils flared when he looked down at me, but his eyes still broiled with feeling he wouldn’t acknowledge. I wondered how long he’d been ignoring it. His whole life maybe.
“I’m not here to blame you for anything—I don’t. You trying to stop Pop from helping you was useless, and we both know it. I’m not upset with you or with Pop … I’m proud of him. He saved you, Jake.”
“I know what he did.”
“Please,” I said again, urging him to turn, putting us face to face. “For one minute, please don’t fight me. I came here to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the horrible way I’ve treated you—I didn’t fully understand what this place meant to you. I’m here to say that I wish I’d known so I could have done more helping and less fighting. What I’ve done is so much worse than change the farm—I’ve put more financial strain on top of what you believe is your debt alone. But you don’t have to do it alone anymore—I’m here, even if you hate me.”
“I don’t,” he said, his voice rough.
“You don’t what?”
“Hate you.”
I shook my head at my feet. “You don’t have to do that. It’s all right.”
“I don’t hate you, Olivia. You drive me crazy, but I don’t hate you. I’ve wanted you since I first met you. I’ve wanted you and covered it up with a fight. I’ve wanted you and denied it to myself. I’m tired of fighting it, Livi. So tired.”
My gaze lifted to meet his, but I was too surprised and affected to speak. He stepped closer. I wanted him closer still.
“But you don’t belong here.” His eyes hung on my lips. “You’re bigger than all this. And when you figure that out, you’re gonna leave.”
“How many times do I have to tell you I’m not going anywhere before you believe it?”
“I don’t know if I can believe it.”
“Because you don’t trust me?”
