She plopped down on the bar stool with a sigh.
“What?” I asked.
“What?” she said, reaching for the toast.
“That sigh. It had meaning to it. What’s going through your head right now?”
She wrinkled her nose. “What if it’s a girl?”
The wave of sheer unadulterated love that washed over me so quickly nearly made me catch my breath.
What if it was a girl? What if I had a daughter?
I would protect her. I would worship her. I would give her everything I had to give.
I waited for the guilt to kick in. For the sense that I was betraying the unborn child I couldn’t protect, but strangely, it wasn’t there this morning. Maybe because there were so many unknowns about that lost little life, whereas this life, was going to be made even more real today.
“I would adore a little girl,” I said carefully. “Why do you ask?”
“You don’t want a boy?”
Another jolt of love kicked me in the gut.
What if it was a boy? What if I had a son?
I would teach him everything I knew. Help him grow into a good man. Hopefully, be as good a father to him as mine was to me.
I needed to call my parents. I needed to tell my family about the baby. About Flowers.
She had no one to tell. Other than Tom Daniels, who had been displeased about her departure, but understood when I’d spoken with him about my concerns. Thankfully, he’d agreed to keep that conversation between us.
Which meant Flowers had no one else to share in the excitement of the baby except me, and of course I was fucked up in the head about us, so how much excitement could there be?
But if my family knew, they would be so thrilled.
I’d told Flowers I wanted to wait until after twelve weeks before I told them.
Once I’d broke down and told her about Allison and the baby, I told her about all of it. The miscarriages. The stress of it. Why we’d been fighting.
In some ways, it had been cathartic. I couldn’t lie about that. But it hadn’t been a cure. It hadn’t immediately erased all the pain and the guilt so I could be the man I needed to be for Flowers. It felt like she understood that.
She was okay with me not telling my family, but the twelve-week mark passed two weeks ago and I still hadn’t told them.
“I would love a boy, too. Flowers, I’m going to love the baby. No matter the sex. I don’t have a preference.”
“Yes, but a boy could grow up and challenge you for control of your vast empire. And if he does, just so you know, I’m going to take his side.”
“You’ve been watchingHBOagain,” I told her, as I poured a second cup of coffee for myself. “I’m not worried about my vast empire. He or she will have all the options in the world. The only thing I would encourage, is that they find their passion. What motivates them.”
“Are you going to go to space?” she asked.
“What?”
“Don’t act like I said something stupid. All the billionaires are doing it. I watched this whole documentary about a billionaire who took these other normal people into space and his wife was like,I’ve got to let him be him, right up until blast off and then she was crying her eyes out. Because she had these two kids and he was going to freaking space!”
“You know I don’t like flying very much, I can assure you space exploration is out of the question. What is all this about?”
Because I knew Flowers.
