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“No—it’s okay you yelled at me—I need to tell you some things. You don’t have to respond, but I need you to hear me. Will you listen and take in what I need to say? I need you to see me for real, Amir. Not just as your fantasy. And especially not as the mother to your child. Okay? Can you do that?”
He nodded and gave me his full attention. I proceed to tell him all that had been boiling inside since I first laid eyes on him. I explained how torn I was about giving up my life, but this time I didn’t tell him it was because I wanted to be free of him—or rather independent of him. I just didn’t know how to hold onto myself and still give fully to another person. Giving all to a goal or ambition was something I could do—but giving every spec of myself to another human—who could mortally wound my heart in the process—was something I had no concept of.
I didn’t even know where to start—I imparted how when I focus on something, I give it my full attention. I laser beam in on my goal, and I don’t let anything deter me. When I told him I felt helpless when I gave into the idea of belonging to him—that the very idea of giving up everything for him was so outside my scope of comprehension that it paralyzed me in the process—I think he understood.
“I’m all or nothing, baby. But I can’t be all to someone who is only half there for me.” I shook my head, “That doesn’t make sense.”
Amir held my hand and then squeezed it. “You make perfect sense to me. You are a warrior, Julie—a general. I understand this about you. I love this about you.”
He kissed my hand tenderly. “I will beg your forgiveness for earlier. My fuse is short, and I did not want you to see me useless on the floor.” I made a sound of protest and this time he put his finger on my lips.
“No. Now I will tell you.” I crumpled my mouth and nodded once. At length he said something simple, but it helped.
“I never learned how to impart my feelings through words. I am much better at physically showing you how I feel.”
I muttered, “True story there.”
He huffed out his nose and continued. “You are a wonderful communicator—you know how to express your feelings…”
I interrupted him again, “Um—not really. Omar was the one who told me how I feel.”
Amir sniffed and rubbed his jaw and then broke into an amused chuckle. “Yes indeed. The boy king is good that way. He was correct, though?” I tilted my head to the side indicating the affirmative. “Yes, he is wise beyond his years. What did he tell you?”
“He showed me your car, after the accident.”
One curt nod and another mouth rub preceded his confession, “I too am lost in these uncharted waters.” He dramatically waved his hand. “It is my emotions. How do you deal with so many? They are deep!”
I laid down on his chest. “Together then? Together we will chart and navigate—as a team? And you promise to try and talk to me?—not at me. Oh, and I can’t just be submissive.”
I felt his nod, and then he wrapped his arms around me, and I burrowed into his chest.
“We will stand together,” he rumbled under my cheek.
Chapter Twelve
Melinda left for the States, and I had a brief moment of longing to join her. My life in the cloud palace was luxurious and as easy as it could get, but I missed little things like walking to Starbucks for a
mocha or the meatball subs from the corner deli. Amir was doing slightly better and had begun to tend to some business matters from a wheelchair. He had various and a sundry assistants buzzing around him for a good part of each day, which left me to my own devices.
Anna and I had taken to playing a lot of chess and binge watching series on Netflix. We currently were deep into Sons of Anarchy and were sitting in the theater room with bowls of popcorn and mouths agape. Anna muttered through a mouthful, “Gemma is a piece of work. Glad she’s not my mother-in-law.”
“Ditto. Whomever wrote this, sure understood a passive aggressive matriarchal bitch.”
Anna giggled, “Not very passive right now. Just plain aggressive.”
“Truth.” We sat and watched on, making sounds of agony during a particularly gruesome scene.
“I miss the meatball subs from Dave’s,” I announce out of the blue.
Anna squealed, “Ohhhhh! Me too! Random at this particular moment, but yeah. Now I’m hungry.” We both munched popcorn as the screen panned to a guy’s brains all over the floor.
“I think I’m jaded. This isn’t even grossing me out,” I said.
“I know right? All I can think about is meatballs.”
“There is something innately wrong with us,” I offered.
She shrugged, unconcerned. Then she popped open her mouth as if a light bulb of an idea had just exploded over her head.
