“No. There isalwaysa reason to live. Whether it’s to watch a flower bloom, or to make a friend smile—” I pause to swallow an ugly cry, remembering just how much Jackie helped me keep going during those dark days, and how much it pains me to be without her for so many difficult life events. “There willalwaysbe something. Another beautiful little thing to live for. You just have to hang on long enough to get there again.”
I watch him try to collect himself, breathing in deep, steadying his voice. “I’m sorry, Kae, I… I shouldn’t have burdened you with my pain.”
“Don’t be,” I echo his earlier words with a faint smile, even if it can’t reach my eyes. “I’m honored you trusted me with your story.”
I’m heartbroken for Semyaza.
But even more than that, I am absolutely enragedby the Council.
They signed the death warrants of all those people. Multiple societies—anentire species—couldn’t have been unanimously guilty. That’s not statistically possible. There were innocents among them. Children. All slaughtered little lambs.
The Council committedgenocide.
I can’t unlearn that knowledge.
This whole time, I knew in my gut that something wasn’t right. The Elohim have never felt wholeheartedly good, altruistic, and trustworthy. They felt deceptive, like they were always skirting the truth… And yet, I still took their bait. I’ve been so naive.
I can feel a dark cloud settling over me, full of rage and resentment.
How am I supposed to sit in the same room as them now? Eat dinner together? Act like Michael and Gabriel are just some gross uncles at the family gathering that I have to tolerate?
Semyaza,especially, shouldn’t have to look at the face of his childrens’ murderers again.
“I don’t know how you can stand to be around them,” I say quietly, as if they might be listening from some unknown place.
“Because I understand Gabriel was only a conduit for the Almighty. If God directly tells an archangel to kill something, they kill it. We do not refuse orders.” Semyaza’s throat bobs as he swallows, and I wonder if the words burn coming out. “Besides, it is Azael who is most responsible. However misguided, the Council only did what they did in a desperate effort to stop him.”
I don’t buy it. The Council members are too clever; they knew exactly what they were doing. But even if they didn’t, I don’t see how the ones swinging the axe—and the God who gave the order to do it—are less responsible for their actions than one guy. “What, exactly, did Azael do that was so bad?”
Semyaza shakes his head. “He was entirely out of control, growing far too powerful and influential. Whereas my followers and I only wanted small villages with our families, Azael wanted dominion over the humans. He and his faction raped countless women, sired massive nephilim armies, and repeatedly used them to massacre their opponents... It is not the natural order the Almighty intended. They rewrote human history. Even the very democracy your country is based upon stems from their meddling in Roman politics.”
Well. Democracy isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but they could have at least done a better job… Maybe Azael is truly evil and deserves to rot in eternal torture. Regardless, though, I think Semyaza is blinding himself to the enemy closer to him. And I understand why—he has to cope somehow. Hanging out with the murderers of your family is a lot easier when you don’t hold them responsible for doing the murdering…
But me? I am new to this world. I can form whatever opinion I want.
And right now, my opinion is they all suck.
Maybe that’s why the apocalypse is coming. It’s about time for a great, big reset. I can understand the logic there. Executing on it, on the other hand, is harder. It reminds me of the movies where the feelinglessrobots become so intelligent that they decide humans are the problem and wipe them out with an extinction event. Except I’m serving the robots, even when I’d like my flawed species to continue to exist as we are.
There’s no real winning. It’s still the same fucking trolley problem.
Semyaza glances over at me, his expression falling out of stoicism and into sympathy. “I think that’s enough burden for you today. How about we go get some dinner now?”
I don’t think I’ll feel much like eating if the Council’s still at the table. Just the thought of sitting down at the table with Michael right now makes me feel sick to my stomach. “Thanks, but I think I’ll just ask the locusts to send some food to my room.”
“Fair enough,” he agrees. “I think I will do the same thing.”
34
Iskip breakfast entirely, instead drawing from my stash of protein bars that I keep in my room. I also switch my whole training schedule around, trying to make it as unpredictable as possible… And still, Abaddon finds me.
I’m just finishing up a run on the trail along the inside of the training center’s walls when he stalks out of the shadows.
“No,” I tell him immediately, turning around and walking the other direction.
“Kae, please.”
“I don’t want to talk to you right now.”
