“I’ve tried quite a few already. The milder ones don’t work, and the heavy hitters keep me stoned most of the following day. If I’m desperate, like ‘dancing dangerously close to organ failure if I don’t sleep’desperate, I take one. But despite what our mutual friends think, I have no desire to be drugged up and incapacitated all the time.”
She glances back toward the beachhouse, seeming to contemplate chewing out those girls. Ultimately, her focus turns back to me with renewed vigor. “How long have these nightmares been going on?”
I bite my lip.
“Kae,” she warns.
“…Since January.”
“What the fuck? You should have told me sooner!” She gapes at me, looking like she wants to hit something. Not me, not really—but certainly something. “Is this why you’ve been avoiding me? You knew I’d clock you on your bullshit? Hell, Kae. I genuinely believed you were too busy with work and school stress to see me.”
“In my defense, Ihavebeen shadowing at the hospital more. And with your own busy schedule…” I trail off, swallowing the rest of my pathetic excuse. She’s right. When I should have confided in her, I distanced myself from her. “I know. I’m sorry.”
She continues to glare at me in her version of shock, and I can’t bring myself to look her in the eyes. Shame mingles with my exhaustion in a confusing jumble of emotions until they all blur together, falling into the same dull void I’ve been living in, day in and day out.
A wave crashes nearby, significantly louder than the others. For a moment, our conversation pauses, as if it’s reset itself. The anger dissipates from my friend like a snuffed fire. “You’re really in a bad place, aren’t you?”
My face burns with emotion. “I tried everything I could to tough it out and graduate this semester, but I was going to fail all my classes. Taking a medical leave was the only thing I could do to save my GPA.”
“You can’t tell me you’re still planning to do the Peace Corps in this state.”
I hesitate, unsure of what to say—because I was, in fact, still planning to make the most of my time off and do some medical volunteering where it’s most needed.
Jackie groans, running a hand through her hair at the scalp. “Absolutely not,Kae.”
“If I take the pills on my off days, I get by long enough to?—”
“No! If you’re incapable of being rational right now, then let me fucking tell you this as clearly as humanly possible: this is the worst goddamn idea you’ve ever had. Which is truly saying something, considering I’ve seen you do some very dumb shit for such a smart person. Seriously, Kae, going to a third-world country is the very lastthing you need to be doing right now. I can’t believe I have to tell you this.”
“Fine.Fine.” I know she’s being the voice of reason, but I wish it didn’t have to be this way. I’m so fucking bitter with my life circumstances, I don’t even know what to do with myself. “There’s a deferral option I can look more into… Because you know I’m still going once I get a bit better, right?”
She sighs, heavy and dramatic, to make a point. “Of course. You can run along and do your heroic future surgeon shit once you’re sleeping a functional amount. I know I can’t keep you here with me forever.”
“So you’ll still support me?” My voice comes out quieter than intended.
Jackie looks less than amused, glaring at me for a moment before quickly grabbing my hand. “Don’t be fucking stupid. No matter what you decide, I’ll still support you. Even if you decide to say fuck it, drop out of school forever, and become a starving artist in Russia, I’ll still be cheering you on.” She squeezes my hand hard enough to make me wince. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t yell at you when and if you decide to put yourself in danger.”
“Thanks, Jackie. It means a lot to me. Truly. Can you please stop trying to break my hand now? I get it, you’re strong.”
She snorts a laugh, letting go to collapse back on the towel. I watch as she closes her eyes, settling in, before I follow her lead in relaxing. The quiet is divinely peaceful, broken only by the gentle rise and fall of the ocean.
Eventually, after several minutes have passed, I look over to make sure my company hasn’t fallen asleep on me.
As if she can see with her eyes closed, Jackie mutters, “Yes?”
She wants to pretend she’s invincible, but she forgets I can read her just as well as she can read me. I also know the skeletons in her closet by name.
“I haven’t really had a chance to talk to you since your graduation,” I start gently, still passing for casual conversation. It’s a delicate balance, trying to get Jackie to open up without her shutting down. She’s repeatedly tried to act like her associate’s degree isn’t important, but I know how hard she’s worked to put herself through school. “Did only your sister and I make it there, or did I miss your mom in the audience?”
She shakes her head, keeping a straight face. “Mom’s still on contract in Arizona, so she couldn’t fly out—which is fine. And I didn’t even invite my grandparents, since I was worried my sperm donor would find out about it from them and ruin it for me…”
I’m getting closer. “Did something happen?”
“Well, he found out anyway, somehow. I got some mail from him this morning.”
There it is.“You opened it.”
“Yeah. I thought it might have cash in it, which I have no problem taking from him. I was planning on throwing away the card without reading it, but I couldn’t stop myself.” She purses her lips before releasing a deep breath. “He said he was sorry he couldn’t make it to my graduation. As if he knew about it in advance. As if he didn’t come because it’dinconveniencehim, not because he respects that I am clearly committed to full no-contact with him. Which fucking figures. He was probably too busy beating up his wife and miraculously avoiding liver failure to make the drive.”
