‘You ready to come back?’ Kian asks Elijah, and it’s clear that Elijah’s champing at the bit.
‘You bet your ass I am. Can’t believe it won’t be with you, but I don’t suppose I’ll be grumbling if we get to keep your boyfriend around.’
It’s nice to hear, but I’m not about to get my hopes up just yet. I’ll let my agent work on the contract negotiations and only once the ink is dry will I be confident about next season.
‘I hope so,’ I say. ‘I really hope so.’
I spot Grant coming over with Jesse on his shoulders, so I’m sure Elise and Cassie aren’t far behind. Nudging Kian, he quickly spots them too.
‘Would you excuse us?’ Elijah peers over his shoulder and steps aside with a nod, returning to his wife and two kids.
Kian’s off at a sprint before I can even move a muscle, and then Elise is running and Cassie is falling over and picking herself up without a single tear and then running again to catch up. Kian spins Elise around, hugging her tight. And then Cassie is there and he’s spinning her around too, and the little girl is screaming with delight as her hair and her dress stream out behind her. It’s downright adorable. There are no other words.
Grant and Kian shake hands, and then Grant hands over a squirming Jesse who has no idea what’s going on but is clearly wildly overstimulated. I’ll never get enough of watching them like this.
I don’t catch much of their conversation, but it’s full of love and pride and joy.
‘And on Cassie’s birthday!’ Elise exclaims.
Kian hoists the little girl up again and does a little routine as thoughshe’sthe trophy and he’s kissing her and showing her off. ‘I won you a cup, baby girl, did you see?’
She nods, talking a mile a minute – largely incomprehensible, as far as I can make out – and giggling as Kian spins her around again. I find it almost painful to watch. Tears threaten, and I don’t know if they’re tears of second-hand joy, or if they’re also a kind of self-pity too, mourning what I never had as a kid.
It’s beyond clear that Kian wants this for himself. He dotes on his niece and nephew, always reading them stories on FaceTime and buying them little gifts from every country we visit. He’ll be a fantastic dad one day.
In moments like these I can see us doing it. Raising a family. It’s bloody scary and overwhelming considering I don’t know the first thing about being a father, but for the first time in my life I have some good role models to learn from.
I think we’ll have at least a couple of years before that, anyway. If I know Kian, he’ll want me to have my moment in the sun like he’s had, and if we do decide to have kids then we’ll both want to be around all the time to parent properly. After we’ve both experienced the pain of absent parents, I know we’ll agree on the importance of doing it right.
Elise nudges me as we watch her brother and her firstborn share such a beautiful moment. ‘I can’t believe my baby brother has a boyfriend.’
‘You’re all of thirteen minutes older,’ Kian reminds her with a groan, as he puts Cassie down. She still clings to him, her tiny hand wrapped around two of his fingers.
‘You should get yourself one of those, Kian.’
Elise eyes me for a second and I shoot a desperate glance to Kian almost pleading for him to confirm that I’m doing okay. But Elise’s expression is speculative, rather than critical, and I wonder if she’s read my mind about the possibility of future children.
She gestures to where Kian’s looking at me like a prized possession and I have to gulp down the emotion that threatens to spill out of me.
‘He’s so happy, and I don't think it’s just because he’s won yet another trophy.’
I hope she’s right. I want to make Kian happy – forever, if he’ll let me. There’s so much I probably need to tell him. I’m not sure I could turn all my feelings into words right now, but that’s okay because the great thing about the off season is that we have time. There will be time to tell him in a way that won’t be messy and chaotic. We have time.
‘I mean, the trophy’s great, but look at me…’ I gesture to my body and everyone laughs. I’ll take it while I’m not quite sure how to have these sappy conversations with his favourite people yet.
ChapterThirty-Three
Kian
The crowds have cleared and for a few moments it’s just me and Harper leaning up against the railing looking over the Yas Marina Circuit. The sun’s begun to blend into the horizon in a yellow and purple haze and it illuminates the track in a way I’ve never witnessed before. It’s so beautiful.
‘Harp?’
‘Hmmm?’ I feel the rumble of his response next to me and it makes me nervous about what I’m going to say next.
‘I’m in love with you.’ I wait for him to squirm, or to run, but he doesn’t. There’s a second of unbearable silence, before he turns to look me in the eye.
‘Me too,’ he whispers back.
