‘It’s fine. You look really well, El.’
‘It’s been a good day. The kids are happy. It’s nice to have Grant at home. Mum held Jesse today and knew who he was. So, my heart is very full.’
I remember what she said to me when she sat me down and told me that the Parkinson’s was now considered advanced; that we should be making every memory possible with Mum, treasuring the good days and just being glad she’s still here on the bad ones. I’m not surprised she looks content.
‘God, El. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for that.’ There’s a heaviness in my heart that I’m missing all these good moments. I should be making the most of them, too.
‘I’ll send you all the photos, don’t worry. She asked about you this evening. Even when you’re not around you’re still in her mind.’
I choke down a big old sob at her words. I’m really missing them all so much today.
‘We didn’t see the qualifiers, but I saw you finished eighth when I checked the news. Just remember, tomorrow’s another day and your race days are always better than your qualifiers.’
She isn’t wrong. For someone who actively refuses to watch most of my races out of fear of seeing me crash, she knows a lot about my stats.
‘We love you so much, Ki. Just wanted to drop in on you before we get the kids to bed. It’s already way past their bedtime.’ I’m grateful she’s made the time; she probably saw today’s result and knew that I needed them right now.
I love my sister so much.
‘Love you all, too. Kiss both of them goodnight for me.’
‘Hope you aren’t forgetting me,’ her husband, Grant, says with a grin, appearing behind her, Jesse fast asleep on his hip as he heads for the stairs.
‘Kiss the big baby for me too.’ I make kissing noises into the camera and then the line cuts off and I’m back to being alone in my hotel.
Again.
* * *
The next morning I’m whispering a mantra under my breath as I head into the garage and suit up.
‘Yesterday is forgotten, today is a new day, I’ve got this.’
I repeat it over and over in my head, trying to get that laser-focus to kick in.
The muscles in the back of my neck don’t feel quite so coiled with anxiety anymore, and my mind’s on the prize. I fell asleep visualizing giving that cup to Cassie. This is my motivation now. The wins aren’t for me; they’re for her and Jesse. Everything I do is for them – not just to give them trophies but to give them a better life. A life I didn’t get.
Don’t get me wrong. Mum always made sure we wanted for nothing, but the gifts she gave us were to plug the parental-sized hole in our life. Dad was physically gone and a lot of the time it seemed like Mum was mentally checked out. That wouldn’t be Cassie and Jesse, they’d constantly know they were loved and treasured.
‘Yesterday is forgotten, today is a new day, I’ve got this.’
I roll my shoulders back as I walk out into the Hendersohm pit, the rush of noise around me so familiar that it’s not even distracting. There’s people in the stands holding up posters with my name on. I’ve got this.
I don’t know where Harper James is and I don’t care. He’s not my problem.
‘Yesterday is forgotten, today is a new day, I’ve got this,’ I whisper to myself.
The crowd cheers when I wave, and I feel the roar well up inside me.
‘Yesterday is forgotten, today is a new day, I’ve got this,’ I say again.
It’s one bad qualifier. It’s not over until the chequered flag. No more catastrophising.
I’m calm and in control as I climb into the cockpit. Cole checks that I’m comfortable and that everything feels good.
‘Yesterday is forgotten, today is a new day, I’ve got this.’
I nod as he steps back, the halo settling around me.
