‘Mum okay?’ It’s a stupid question, because of course she isn’t. She has a godawful disease which is slowly taking her from us.
The Parkinson’s diagnosis came as a complete shock at first, and then within a few months we noticed every single symptom they warned us about. Elise was incredible and took it in her stride, and I just about coped with seeing it eat away at Mum for the three months a year I was around.
‘Bad day. She thought I was Aunt Judith this morning.’ I try to hide my wince, but a frown pulls at my sister’s lips and I know she’s concealing how bad it really is from me. ‘Her memory is really deteriorating and it feels like the rate of decline is increasing every day.’
This is something else the doctors warned us about. Dementia. Another disease that often comes hand in hand with Parkinson’s as the condition begins to worsen.
‘I’m so sorry, Elise,’ I apologise like she isn’t my mum, too, but I know the burden is not shared equally between us. Mum will forget me first because I’m just not around enough. It will kill Elise to be forgotten, and she’s the one who will have to face it every single day. It is truly the cruellest disease. I feel a stab in my heart every time Mum looks at me blankly, unable to place me as a part of her fading life, but at least I’m not confronted with it every hour of the day.
‘Anyway,’ Elise says as she waves the stress away, ‘what’s going on with you? I love you, bro, and I know you love us, but you didn’t barge your way in here just to put the kids to bed.’
I groan, the lavender candle burning on the mantelpiece not doing a thing to soothe the anxiety that’s been curling in my chest since the phone rang this morning. ‘Elijah’s broken his leg. Three places. It’s bad.’
‘Oh, shit.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Okay, so he’s out for, what, three to six months? Half a season or thereabouts. Isn’t that what the back-up guy is for? That’s not what’s got you in this funk.’
She knows me way too well. ‘I think Anders has written him off for the whole season. Oh, and Harper James is his replacement.’
The room falls silent. Elise pauses the TV show to allow us to talk properly and the house suddenly feels unnervingly still.
‘Look, baby bro,’ she says, which only makes me want to groan louder. ‘I know what’s going on in that head of yours. He’s so much like the man you’ve desperately tried not to become, and I know you hate everything about his attitude and how he treats people, but it’s temporary.He’stemporary. Elijah’s leg will heal, the team will go back to normal, and the rookie prick’ll be shunted back down into the lower category faster than he’s crawled up.’
And this is why she’s the best sister in the world. She’s the best mum, daughter, carer and, when she can finish her degree, she will be the best nurse, too. It’s everything I need to hear. I know she’s right. Deep down, in the rational part of me that’s buried by the anxiety, I know this. My brain loves to catastrophise while hers is made of steel – or carbon fibre. I always joke that she stole all the sensible genes in the womb.
‘I just…’ I’m not even sure what’s left to say. I just want everything to be okay. Easy. ‘I thought this was going to betheseason.’ I can’t find the words to say it, to say that I’m wondering if this will be my last season. I’m not sure I’m there yet. I’m not sure I’m ready to say it out loud. ‘I thought this was going to be the one where everything would be?—’
‘You finished top of the podium last year and got your fourth world title,’ she quickly interjects. ‘You’re already a legend. Way better than Dad ever was.’
‘I know, but I still feel like I have everything to prove this year. I’d like to go for the points record, if I can.’ She’s heard the whispers about me retiring – and no one knows me better than Elise – so she knows exactly what I mean.
‘Harper doesn’t have to get in the way of that.Elijahdoesn’t stop you winning. As your second driver, hesupportsyou and the team. You just have to put Harper into a little box in your head and focus on your own drive.’
If only it were that easy. We’re going to be breathing each other’s air for months, sharing pits, simulators, private jets, locker rooms. The whole atmosphere is about to change and it’s going to affect my performance, no matter how hard I try to prevent it. I’ve been around men like him before and I know what it will do to me. I don’t know what Anders is thinking.
But my sister’s right. I’m an elite sportsman and if I lose the mental game then I don’t deserve to win. I mentally prepare a box and shove Harper James into it, padlocking it closed.
‘Okay, smarty pants. You’ve got me there. I have every intention of bringing home the cup this season, don’t worry. It’s not like I don’t already have four.’ I shrug like it’s nothing, but it means everything to me. The first one has pride of place in my home. The second lives in Mum’s room, and the third was for Elise. The fourth is displayed in the premises of a local youth charity that I’m the ambassador for. I think it’s finally time to bring one home for Cassie and Jesse.
‘Good. Now can you let me get back to my show?’ she admonishes with the most obnoxious eyeroll I’ve ever seen. I can’t help but silently laugh.
She unpauses the TV, chucks a blanket at me, and I sink into the cosy L corner of the sofa. I fall asleep within minutes in the worst position for my back and neck, only to be woken by Jesse’s screaming at 4am. It’s perfect timing because a car is coming to get me in an hour to take me to the airport … to meet Harper James.
Elise comes downstairs carrying Jesse, face puffy and hair askew, grumbling about never getting a full night’s sleep. I plant a kiss on her forehead and whisper my goodbyes.
‘Good luck, bro. You can do this, regardless of who’s in the other car. You’ve got this. And don’t forget: we love you, whatever happens.’
I drive back home and wait for the car to pick me up. My sister’s words stay with me until the second I climb the stairs to board the jet and find Harper James kicking back in a recliner, his trademark arrogant smirk curling the corners of his lips. My hope and excitement evaporate and I’m left with nothing but frustration and irritation.
‘All right, Walker? How’s it going, mate?’
His face is almost split in two by how wide his grin is, and I loathe him instantly. We’ve only met a couple of times, and we definitely aren’tmates.Urgh.
It’s going to be a long season.
ChapterTwo
