‘We always see you with headphones on when you’re warming up on the side of the track. Who or what are you listening to?’ the Sky Sports presenter asks. I haven’t heard this one in a while, maybe because when I was asked this a lot at the beginning of my racing career, my answers always used to be the same.
Not anymore. ‘Sometimes it’s a guided-meditation podcast, sometimes it’s Noah Kahan or Hozier.’
She nods along as though I’m going to expand on that but suddenly I’m frozen. Harper, his hood pulled up over his head, is standing in the shadow of a feather flag branded with the logos of the team and our major sponsors, and he’s wiping his eyes. It’s not something I ever thought I’d see.
The reporter’s started speaking again and I thank God this isn’t live because I miss every single word she’s saying. All my brain power is focused on Harper.
What the hell is going on?
‘I’m so sorry, could you repeat the question?’ I ask as politely as possible, trying not to come across as an arrogant prick.
‘I asked why guided meditation?’
‘I find it helps me get my head into the right space. Racing is as much a mental game as it is physical. Being in the right headspace is just as important as putting in the gym work or time on the track. It affects my performance massively. I know most drivers sway towards more upbeat music to get them pumped, but this is what works for me.’
Or at least, it normally does. It’s failed me a couple of times recently.
Not today though. I won’t let it fail me today.
Today I have to have my wits about me. I can’t afford to worry about what’s going on with Harper. He certainly won’t be worrying about what’s going on with me.
We both have good starting positions, but that’s the last time the picture looks good.
Lap one, we lose two people straight away. A minor crash that neither of their cars can recover from happens right in front of me. Even with only minimal debris, I have to fight to avoid hitting it and that slows down my lap.
It’s their accident, but it’s beyond frustrating for me when every single second really counts.
Then, just two laps later, it happens again.
‘What’s going on out here, Cole?’ I ask as another yellow flag appears and I have to slow again.
‘It’s one of the Ferrari guys – we’re just waiting to find out. Could be serious. Crashed into the barrier. May be a safety car incoming. I’ll keep you up to date.’ This track isn’t really known for crashes so I’m shocked there’s so many.
‘How many people down are we right now?’
‘Four.’
‘Who’s in P1?’
‘Yorris. You’re close, though. You’re still in P2. Keep pushing.’
‘And Harper?’
There’s silence for a brief moment, almost as if he’s letting me finish my lap before he replies. Even though he knows me well and has been my race engineer for, like, five years, he doesn’t see how stressed this delay makes me.
Especially after how Harper was this morning.
I zoom across the line again, gearing up for another lap, when he says, ‘P16.’
I’ve got time still to push Yorris and try to get up to P1, but Harper’s clearly having a shocker.
‘What’s his problem?’ I ask, but Cole doesn’t know. Harper must be absolutely gutted. Dead last, on a day like today, is not where anybody wants to be.
Luckily, I’m able to push the thought of him upset to the back of my mind. I don’t manage to overtake Yorris and have to be content with a P2 finish, but I’ll take it.
Harper, on the other hand, limps home.
I hope someone’s checking in on him and that he’s not alone right now. Ash will be on it, I’m sure. It can so easily become a dark time when you have a really bad day after previously doing so well. It’s a gut punch that just keeps on punching while your mental game spirals into a hole. And it’s not like you can forget about it, because you’ll have to answer press questions about your performance and then read about the analysis of your mistakes. Then, ahead of the next race, you’ll be asked about how you’re going to fix your mistakes, and what you do to pick yourself back up after such a failure. It’s like being slapped in the face with your failure right when you need to be talking yourself up.
