My brain starts spiralling down a path that I’ve never wanted it to wander before.
Because I know what’s at the end of it: a future with Kian. We could race together as teammates and come home to each other at night. We could spend the downtime between seasons together. We could cook meals together, eat at a proper dining table, go on runs together, wake up together every morning and fall asleep every night … together.
When I finally allow myself to picture it, it’s thrilling. The future looks so bright, so promising, like something that could bring me so much joy.
But that’s the problem, because now I want it. And wanting things like this, things that rely on other people, is dangerous.
And I’ve thrown it all away.
MaybeI’mthe problem. I didn’t need therapy to tell me that.
I know I push people away before they can reject me – I know that’s what I did tonight with Kian. Not justwithKian, buttoKian.
How much have I hurt him by playing down what we have? I saw his face; I know what he wants from me. It hurts me so much to be rejected that I avoid any situation in which it could happen, so why would it not also hurt Kian?
Asking us to be exclusive. Trying to take me on a date. Asking if he sees a future for us. He wants to build us into something more and all I’ve done is treat him like I don’t care, like he doesn’t matter.
Dropping to the floor of the dingy toilet, I pull out my phone and select the only contact I have on speed dial. Hoping he picks up.
‘Harper?’ Johannes says groggily, as if I’ve woken him.
I check the time and see it’s not that late, but we do have a free practice tomorrow so it makes sense that he’s already asleep. I shouldn’t have come out. Anders is going to be so pissed off at me.
‘Hey, Harper, you there? Did you butt-dial me?’
I’m trying to summon the words, but they come out as nothing but a gasp of his name.
‘Harp, you okay? What’s going on?’
‘It’s all too much…’ I feel breathless as I say the words. It’s overwhelming, this feeling… My airways are shutting down…
‘Hey, hey, Harp, I think you might be having a panic attack,’ Johannes says softly over the phone. ‘Take some nice deep breaths and focus only on your breathing. Come on, follow me, breathe in, two, three, and hold it for one, two, three. Breathe out for one, two, three, and hold it there, two, three.’
I try to breathe, I try to follow the rhythm that Johannes is setting, but the air gets trapped in my claggy throat and it goes nowhere when I try to choke it down. It’s like I’m only using the top ten per cent of my lungs and I can’t get deeper.
‘Not. Working,’ I pant out as my chest grows tighter. This is so humiliating. I’m in a grotty bar-bathroom, losing it because a guy told me he likes me.
Likes me. Properly likes me. Wants-to-talk-about-a future-together likes me. And apparently that’s too much for me. ‘He’s a fucking idiot, Johannes!’ I growl, my throat dry as my heart rate quickens. ‘Imagine liking me. Why? Why would anyone do that?’
‘Harper, I don’t understand what you’re talking about,’ Johannes replies, I can hear every bit of how patient he’s trying to be right now. It’s because I’ve kept him in the dark. I haven’t breathed a single word about Kian to Johannes. I’ve barely seen Johannes, to be honest.
‘He asked me –’ I pant between words, taking in any air possible whilst feeling as thought my lungs won’t re-inflate ‘–he asked me … if I see … a future … with him. Jo, I don’t … know how … to see … a future with anyone.’
There’s a sharp pang in my heart. It might be the realisation that this might not be as true as I’ve always believed it to be. But in the moment it feels so sharp and heart-wrenching that I gasp.
‘Harper, man, you need to get it together. Tell me where you are and I’ll come and get you and we can talk about this. It’ll be okay.’
‘It won’t, because, because…’ There are a million reasons flying around my head – so many that I can’t put them into words for Johannes. How do I tell him that nothing will ever be okay in this situation, because I will always want Kian but he will quickly realise that he can do better, that I’m holding him back, that there are more exciting things in the world than Harper James. And he will leave, in the end. People always leave. It’s a given. So I can’t tell Kian I want more with him, too, because wanting more will only destroy me.
‘Because what? Harper, you’re scaring me, bud. I didn’t even know you were seeing anyone. Why didn’t you say something?’
‘Because it was private. It was meant to be just sex.’
‘You normally tell me about every sexual conquest.’ He’s right; he’s so right. Maybe I’ve kept this from him because in my subconscious it’s already more. Because it’s Kian. It was nevernotgoing to mean more and I should have been smart enough to spot that.
‘He wouldn’t want that. It’s not the same.’
‘What’s not the same?’
