I’d almost forgotten about that picture and that I’d blocked him off of everything.
I don’t even know the result from qualifying.
Elise pulls away from my hug and tears flood my cheeks as she produces a picture on her phone of the flowers in question.
‘Yeah, that’s what I picked, amongst many others. I could see them in my mind and when the florist pointed to these ones I just knew.’
‘You did good, baby bro. I don’t need to know what else you picked to know that. Mum will love it regardless.’ The way she speaks in the present tense, as if Mum’s still here watching over our good and bad choices, breaks me again and this time it’s her holding me up as I cry.
She’s so strong, she just soaks it all up, giving me my moment to grieve. I’m sure, because I know her, that she’ll give me all the moments I need. We’ll give them to each other.
Grant’s off chasing the kids somewhere, giving the two of us a moment of privacy.
‘Bloody hell,’ I say, reaching for a tissue from the counter to blow my nose. ‘I don’t think my tear ducts have had a workout like that in a long time.’ I can’t even think of the last time I cried that much.
‘Sometimes we just need it. I’m glad you let it out. I was worried when Grant said you hadn’t cried yet. Now, tell me more about the funeral.’ A switch has flipped and Elise is back in organised, superwoman mode, ready to take on the world.
‘I still have all this to do.’ Thank God for my to-do list on my phone because it’s easy for her to scan and understand where I’m at with funeral planning.
‘We can do this.’ She squeezes my hand, and for the first time since I’ve been home, I can agree with that. Things start to feel easier when you don’t feel so alone doing them.
We eat together, my sister, brother-in-law and I, discussing the outstanding decisions and splitting up the tasks between the three of us.
Once everything’s been loaded into the dishwasher, I spot a text from Anders asking if I’m free to jump on a video call. So, I head upstairs to the guestroom I’m staying in and prop my phone up on my pillow and make the call.
‘Hey, Anders.’ As I say his name, Jackson appears in shot, too. ‘And Anders Junior.’
They both laugh and it breaks the ice. There’s no way in the world they don’t notice how bad I look so at least this eases the conversation slightly.
‘How’re you doing, son?’ Anders asks. And just like that, I’m on the edge of tears again. Growing up without a father and now Mum’s gone, I’ll probably never hear anyone say that word to me again.
‘Dad,’ Jackson warns and I’m grateful to him, but he doesn’t need to protect me from this. Anders is one of the best men I’ve ever known and I’m beyond thankful to have had him in my life, guiding me in my career and nurturing my ambitions.
‘I’m doing okay. We’ve decided to have a quick turnaround on the funeral so we have a lot of planning to do, but it’s going as well as it could. How’s everything out there?’
I want to apologise for not being there, but I’m not sorry to be missing it for something this important. That would be doing a true disservice to my mum.
‘Ah, you know, we’ll do what we can. London’s trying not to be excited about his first Grand Prix as he doesn’t want to seem insensitive.’ Anders shrugs like he doesn’t quite know what else to say to him.
‘He should enjoy it. It’s a rite of passage.’
I don’t ask how he did in qualifying, because then I would also have to ask how Harper did, and I can’t bear to say his name out loud.
‘Yes, it is. Not that you need to be worrying about us out here right now. We just wanted to check in and make sure you’re doing okay. We hear that you’re not looking for flowers for the funeral so we’re making a team donation to Parkinson’s UK. I hope that’s okay.’
It’s more okay than he’ll ever understand. It means everything to me. ‘Thank you so much. It’s perfect.’
‘If you need us, any of us, Kian, just text or call. I know Cole’s already missing you, but he doesn’t want to intrude. None of us do, but you are constantly in our thoughts.’
It’s beyond noticeable that he doesn’t mention Harper and that I don’t ask about him.
‘Tell Cole to text me, the idiot. And thank you, I really appreciate everything you’ve done to make sure I could be here with my family.’
‘You’re family to us, too, Kian. That’s what we do for family,’ Jackson says.
I nod, knowing that if I say anything else right now I’ll break down.
They say their goodbyes and I exit the call. I smash my face into a pillow and scream out my pain, thumping the other pillow beside me.
