It’s not fair.
It’s not fair.
It’s so not fair.
Mum was so young, and the way she gradually lost her faculties was just so cruel. And despite knowing it was coming, I wasn’t ready. Maybe I’d never have been ready.
All the tears in the world don’t help, nor do the muffled screams. I just feel so drained. So wrung-out.
The only saving grace is that exhaustion takes me quickly and sleep puts me out of my misery.
ChapterTwenty-Six
Harper
My first qualifiers without Kian are tough. He’s on my mind constantly. I worry that he’s grieving and hurting with no way for me to check that he’s okay. I’m sure, with the way Anders loves him like a second son, he’s been in touch with him, and Cole, too, but I don’t know how to ask either of them. If they know I haven’t been in touch with him, they’ll want to know why and then that would raise more difficult questions, with complicated answers.
I take the Q8 finish badly, but without Kian here to buy me Chinese and then kiss me silly, it’s even worse.
Thankfully, I still have Johannes.
Win or lose, we’re always there for each other.
Hence us currently sitting together on the floor of my hotel room with the weirdest picnic spread of snacks that we could find in the local store. Neither of us know what half of it is, but most of it tastes okay and that’s the main thing.
‘You missing him?’ he asks, out of nowhere.
‘Mmm.’ If I start telling him how much, I’ll never stop talking. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this lonely, even as a kid who’d been abandoned by his parents.
I miss everything. The cuddles, the sex, the way he’d tell me endless stories about his childhood and his sister and his niblings. I even miss him cussing me out for doing something stupid. I’d take him being mad and here, over him being gone and ignoring me completely.
‘Still blocked?’
I don’t justify that with a response other than the growl that escapes my throat.
‘Christ, loves turned you into an annoying motherfucker. I’m trying to talk to you here. Get you to open up so tomorrow’s a better day for you.’
This time I don’t stop him. I don’t try to deny that it’s love, because Kian doesn’t deserve that injustice.
‘Wow, Harper James, speechless and in love. It’s a bad day for all the guys who still think they have a chance of a night with you.’
The thought of someone else almost makes me want to be sick. In a scary turn of events, I don’t want to imagine ever sleeping with someone else again.
‘I mean, Kian’s not exactly here loving me, too, is he? I’ve blown it there – we both know that.’
I can’t even hide the self-pity and bitterness I feel towards myself. It’s my own fault completely, yet I still feel stupidly sorry for myself.
‘Just give it time, okay? He has to deal with everything else first, especially with the funeral only being a couple of days away. I’m sure he’ll be back before you know it and you two can talk.’
I’m lucky, so bloody lucky to have a best friend who didn’t break up with me when we became full-on rivals on the track. It’s a rarity in the sport for drivers on other teams to be so close, but we really do embrace it.
He’s so good he even changes the subject. It can’t be a late one as we have the race tomorrow, so we decide to call it a night early. As he goes to leave, he turns back to me and says, ‘Look, just do your best tomorrow, for Kian. He’ll be so mad if you undo all his hard work in the Constructors’ Championship. He wouldn’t want you to be anything other than your best out there. You have to do it for the both of you.’
And clearly, I take that on board.
It’s not easy, starting eighth on the grid and trying to scramble back from that, but I do it.
I’m nothing but grit and concentration as I climb into the cockpit, Ash in my ear and all the lads around me making sure everything about the car is ready to go. I’ve never had a problem with overthinking, and today is no exception. It feels like Kian’s with me in the cockpit, and I don’t try to block him out. I welcome him and hold him close to my heart. I channel him; I use him to inspire me.
