‘I just want you to know. I’m sure right now everything seems horrific and maybe you’ll change your mind when you go back, but we’ll always be here, even when motor racing isn’t.’
She’s right. She’s always bloody right.
‘I know. I just think this might be it. I’m tired, and kind of ready to think about what comes next. Might as well have one big fresh start, right?’
‘Like with a particular guy maybe?’ She nudges me in the side, ribbing me with a cheeky grin and I am rolling my eyes when I catch sight of what’s on TV. Harper is being interviewed. I can’t believe I missed the end. I don’t know what happened or how he did.
‘I don’t think so,’ I say turning back to Elise. ‘I think we’re done.’
‘Who could ever be done with you.’
I can’t tell if she’s worked out who it is? I haven’t said his name since I’ve been home, but maybe she’s guessing.
‘He doesn’t want what I want, and we’re so different,’ I say. ‘No, we’re done. I need to get over it and move on. He already has.’
‘Has he? Are you sure?’
She takes the remote control and starts to turn up the volume.
I look at her, and see a familiar smugness in her expression that’s always bugged me. She’s only older by a few minutes, but she acts like those extra minutes gave her the wisdom of an ancient philosopher.
‘Yeah, I’m sure. He really hurt me, El, and I can’t have him messing with my head anymore.’
‘Just watch it, Ki, and then tell me he’s done with you.’
My eyes go to the screen, and we both watch as Harper makes his speech.
Live on international television, Harper James is dedicating his win to me. Not only that, he pays tribute to Mum and what I’m going through. I’m struggling for air. These words aren’t possible from the person who went out and banged someone else just a few nights ago.
Elise’s hand is clutching mine.
‘Now tell me he’s done with you.’
I roll my eyes. I guess we’re not pretending anymore that she doesn’t know the guy I’ve been sleeping with is Harper James.
‘But we’ve been here before. This is exactly what he does. It’s a constant push-pull. He wants me, he doesn’t want me. He screws up, he comes back and does something sweet. I can’t do it anymore.’
‘I agree, that doesn’t sound great. It also sounds like he’s trying to figure some things out. Have you talked about it?’
‘That’s the thing, El. He won’t – or he can’t … I don’t know. I’ve tried, and he just shuts down. It’s been really messing with my head.’
‘Is that what happened in Italy? With the crash? Because if it’s becoming dangerous?—’
‘Yes and no. That was my own fault,’ I reassure her. ‘If I make a mistake on the track, that’s on me, not him.’
It feels so good to finally be able to talk about this with someone. I wish I’d opened up sooner. Elise squeezes me and sighs. I know she worries about the risks I take, and especially now when we only have each other left.
‘What would Mum say?’ I ask.
She’s quiet for a moment while she thinks.
‘Mum would say that life’s too short not to have what you really want. If you were … if you were on your deathbed, and you looked back over your life, what would you want to remember? What would bring you comfort and joy? Is it Harper James? Because if so…’
Okay, fine, I admit it. Those extra few minutes did give my sister the wisdom of the ancients.
Damn.
ChapterTwenty-Eight
