‘It’s okay,’ I reply.
Now is not the time to ask him what any of this means. He’s here, and I don’t feel so alone anymore. We walk together into the church and I don’t care who sees us or what they may be thinking. Today is about saying goodbye to Mum. Everything else can wait.
* * *
The service is beautiful.
I think it’s what Mum would have wanted. Her oldest friend and one of her sisters did readings, and her former agent spoke very movingly about her career in a way I think she would have really liked.
And then Elise gets up and makes her way to the podium.
My sister is so brave to get up there and speak. I’m struggling to keep it together just sitting in the pew, never mind trying to speak publicly about the person who raised us single-handedly, who loved us and encouraged us, who shaped us and?—
I swallow the lump in my throat.
But, of course, Elise is prepared. She’s has the eulogy printed onto little cue cards and holds back her tears just enough to speak clearly and movingly to the assembled mourners.
She tells tales of Mum’s younger days, how she shot to fame and then raised us for the first couple of years on a series of tour buses and private jets. She even extracts some laughs from Mum’s closer friends about the wilder times of her teens and twenties. She speaks on behalf of both of us about the kind of mother she was, and the things we will remember most about her.
It’s perfect. No one could have done it better.
And I would be a wreck if it weren’t for Harper, who never lets go of my hand. He’s an absolute rock. He’s everything I need him to be on the hardest of days.
And then it’s all over. Just like that it’s time to say our final goodbyes.
Elise squeezes my other hand and I know we are both silently sending Mum on her way.
We walk out for a final time behind the coffin, hand in hand, only Elise, Grant and the kids in front of us.
The celebrant moves through the formalities and then, finally, Mum is lowered into the ground, and the only thing holding me up is Harper. His touch keeping me grounded, stopping me from losing it completely. Grant leads the kids away after he lets his rose fall on top of the casket. The rest of the mourners following suit until we can hardly see her anymore. Eventually, it’s just the three of us at the graveside.
‘Do you, uh, want me to give you two a moment?’ Harper asks, hand still gripping mine as he offers me and Elise some space.
Yet I’m shaking my head. I can’t do this without him.
‘Shit, I’m not doing this right, am I?’ Elise walks round to link her arm through my free one.
‘I don’t think Mum would expect any less, she always had such a potty mouth even when we were kids,’ she says and it’s like at that point we’re all holding each other up.
‘Love you, Mum. So much.’ There’s nothing else I can croak out. This is it. The second I throw in my own rose and walk away the ground will be filled and there won’t be any other moments.
I know I can come back and visit the grave, but nothing will be the same.
‘Me too, Mum. Love you forever.’ Stepping forwards arm in arm we both drop in our roses and step away from the grave.
Grant is waiting, arm outstretched to catch Elise as she chokes down sobs and I’m standing strong with Harper’s hand in mine.
‘Goodbye, Mum,’ I whisper finally, leaving her to rest in peace.
* * *
The wake we host after the service has a different vibe entirely.
The list of celebrities is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. The press would have a field day if they got a whiff of the names currently inside a large white tent in our garden. It’s overwhelming how many people loved Mum, and both Elise and I enjoy hearing increasingly tall tales from Mum’s life and career. It feels like everyone is trying to outdo each other with their stories and I am absolutely here for it. I’m glad this bit feels more like a party.
I spend some time chatting with Mum’s sisters. They’ve both been in and out of my life since I was a kid and are still travelling the world as back-up singers to some of the most famous names in the industry.
They coo over Cassie and Jesse and try to dig around in my life, asking if I’m planning to have any kids in the near future, but I brush that off with excuses that involve my hectic schedule and how much time I spend on the road.
