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Where did this person come from?
This isn’t you, Dani.
We’re still friends.
He’s nothing but trouble. All men like him are.
You’re going to get yourself hurt, or worse.
I gazed up through the wavy waters at the sky above. How beautiful it looked as it moved and rejoiced for me. I wasn’t sure what the sky was so happy about. But I wanted a slice of it. A slice of that happiness to cover up the fear that clenched my gut. I felt my lungs starting to prickle. I expanded my diaphragm, giving the air somewhere to go. But I knew it wouldn't be long before my body would take over.
And drown itself.
I thought about my parents. About my father, and how he was feeling right now. Probably disappointed in me. Ready to give me the ass-chewing of my life. I thought about my mother. How confused and distraught she must be. Guilt filled my eyes as my tears intermingled with the crystal waters. The anguish this would put them through would do them in. My father, for sure. I blinked, and the nightmare was still going on. My lungs were beginning to burn, my stomach beginning to jump.
I’m sorry, Mom.
I wanted to apologize to them. For hiding it. For lying to them. For not letting them into my life. I wanted to apologize to them for not trusting in their wants and wishes for me. I had convinced myself that they didn’t want me to be happy. When the truth of the matter was they wanted nothing but my happiness. And my safety. And my security. I never gave them the chance to be happy for me, even if they didn’t understand my choices.
I just assumed they wouldn't understand.
I’m sorry, Dad.
I never gave Hannah a chance either. As the back of my chair hit the bottom of the pool, my lungs felt as if they were on fire. Panic gripped my chest. I felt my stomach jumping again, and I tried with all my might to get it to settle. I wanted to apologize to Hannah. For not listening to her. For not talking to her. For not opening up and letting her in on what I was thinking. What I was feeling. What I really wanted out of my life. I had made assumptions about everyone, just like they had about me. And because I thought I was in the right, I assumed they were all in the wrong.
I guess you were all right, and I’m sorry.
My eyes blinked again. I didn’t want to miss a moment of this. I didn’t want to miss a moment of the sky undulating before me. I didn’t want to miss a moment of recompense as I apologized for my sins. Grief filled my body, overtaking the burning sensation that made me want to accept my fate. I wondered what had happened to Max. Had they killed him already? Were they about to incinerate his body like the other man tonight? I wanted to know. I needed to know. But I felt the leather tightening even further around my wrists. Around my ankles.
Giving me no hope of escaping by myself.
I’m sorry, Max.
I wanted to be stronger for him. I wanted to be better for him. I wanted to be the woman of his dreams. But instead, I ended up being the wounded, hunted animal that became his demise. I blinked again. I felt the water brushing my tears away. I wanted my father. I wanted my Daddy. I wanted him to reach down into the water and pull me back to the surface. I wanted someone to jump in. Anyone. I wanted someone to come save me.
Please, Max. I’m begging you.
I blinked again, and the sky was blocked out by a shadowed figure. A dark, lanky figure, with two green specks near the top. Max’s father. Ashton. He was staring at me from the edge of the pool. Blocking out my dying view of the sky. Forcing me to relive the hell that had unfolded tonight. His wavy form waved at me. I watched his hand move side to side. As if to say ‘goodbye’ himself.
Then he stepped away.
My lungs jumped. My throat moaned. My stomach pulled in and my toes flexed. I screwed my eyes shut and willed myself to hang on just a few seconds longer. Just a few more seconds until someone could get to me. I puffed out my chest and girded my abs. I forced my mind to fall blank so my panic wouldn’t override my body’s natural need to survive. I felt my head spinning. I felt my arms going numb. My thighs tingled and my calves ached and I hadn’t been able to feel my feet for a while now.
Just a little bit longer.
Images popped into my mind. Images of my father, smiling down at me. My mother, hugging me with my college acceptance letter in her hand. The three of us sitting around a table talking about my future. Discussing my options. Laying out the pros and cons. I saw Hannah. An image from my first day on campus. I saw her standing in our empty dorm room with her immaculate decorations and her sparkling jewelry and her makeup sprawled out over her working desk.
I saw Max. Standing on the other side of the road. Sucking down a cigarette as the soft light illuminated his face.
I love you, Max.
Then, I succumbed to my destiny. Accepting my fate, accepting the moment, and allowing my body to relax.
I’m sorry. I’m just not strong enough.
40
Max
