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His tone was casual. His stare was anything but. I could melt beneath it. Why did it feel like I’d just talked myself into a trap?
“You’re really too much.”
A slight smile teased the corners of his mouth. “I missed this.”
“Me too,” I agreed quietly. He was always so serious and emotionally guarded. Getting him to be semi playful warmed my heart.
He glanced away, appearing deep in thought for a minute. “I can’t forgive you yet,” he stated. “You leaving me isn’t something I can forget or get over, no matter how short or long you were gone for.”
I swallowed and reached for my juice, needing to wet my throat.
Normally I couldn’t care less if he saw me naked or not, but I felt overly exposed, having this conversation without wearing any clothes. I guess it didn’t matter all that much, though. Clothes or not, how we felt wouldn’t change. I would live with this regret for the rest of my life, hurting him so pointlessly.
“I don’t expect you to. I know I hurt you. I feel like that’s all I ever do. And I love you, too. I didn’t get to say it back yesterday, so I’m telling you now in case I were to forget.”
“It’s mutual.”
“Huh?”
“I hurt you too. I know what you need from me, Lils. I can’t give you that overnight either. Maybe never. Not fully.”
“Mal—”
“Shut up and listen.”
I scowled and took another bite of oatmeal.
“You’re my queen. I want to give you everything. I’ll paint this whole world red to see you happy. I’m still your best friend. I can keep you fed, keep you safe, make sure you have the best place to lay your head, and I can fuck you until we both disappear, but I can’t let you in right now. I can’t give that much.”
I swallowed, tucking my lower lip between my teeth. This was a lot to take in. He’d just called me his queen. I knew what that claim meant for a faction. That title didn’t befit me at all. Queens were so much more than the mess I was. Hell, my sister was queenlier than I could ever be. I was happy enough just being his and him being mine. Still, this mood was terrible.
“You know, when you put it like that, life doesn’t sound too bad,” I teased softly.
This somberness would smother me. I didn’t think he’d ever expressed this much in his entire life. Pain seared my heart.
No one was born with a fortress around themselves. Just what was it that made him this way?
Our families?
The ones that decided who and what he should be before he could choose for himself?
No.
I knew that was part of it, but this seemed so much deeper than that. Whatever it was, I was beginning to understand him better. Funny how it takes a shit situation for you to see the silver lining.
“Hey.”
I reached past him and sat my plate and juice box on the nightstand so I was free to scoot over to him.
I wrapped my arms around his middle and laid my cheek against his back. “When you’re ready to let me in, I’ll be here. Okay? We don’t need to rush. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You say that so confidently. I haven’t had you back a day yet.”
“I never wanted to go in the first place. I just felt we weren’t doing each other any favors by staying together.”
Another pause.
“You know better now, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. Don’t forget it.”
I sighed and hugged him tighter. He and I were a match made in hell, ensnared in a confusing maze of pleasure and pain. Love and hate. We both knew that being together would sometimes hurt, but without one another we were destined to suffer.
“I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want to be cut into pieces,” I tacked on light-heartedly. “But what about…?”
Mal gently removed himself from my embrace and stood, turning so that he was looking down at me.
“The thing with Dawn? That’s never been what you thought it was. I don’t have time to explain right now—just trust me.”
I blinked up at him. “How did you know what I was going to say?”
“Because I know you. Just like I know you can’t honestly forgive me yet; I haven’t earned it. Let’s take this one thing at a time. I’ll make it up to you in the meantime.”
“…okay?”
His eyes traveled from my face to where I held the blanket to my chest.
“So much to do, and all I really want is to be fucking you.” He ran a hand through my hair, grasping the back of my neck to pull me up and receive his possessive kiss.
I wanted him too. We’d spent so much time avoiding this part of our relationship. We were drugs to each other. One touch and the intoxication was instant. Up till now. we always stopped before the addiction consumed us.
