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1
Clinton
My knees curled against my chest. I felt the blood caking on my face. My head spun from the aftermath of the fight with my father. How aggressive things had gotten. How proud I was of Cecilia standing up to him.
How much my heart hurt that Rae witnessed any of it.
I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of Michael’s SUV pull out of the driveway. No, not pull out. Peel out. Tires squealed along the concrete and the smell of burned rubber filled the air. I placed my head against my knees as the rain came down harder than ever. Thunder boomed in the distance. Lightning flashed above my head. When had it started raining?
Could it wash away my sins?
I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to vomit on the porch. The silence was deafening. And yet, it brought me peace. My father wasn’t yelling. Cecilia wasn’t crying. Things were simply… silent. The sound of the rain soothed my soul, but the booming of thunder reminded me of reality.
Reminded me of the presence of my unconscious father.
My back rested heavily against the railing as I slowly looked up. I stared at the house as water dripped from the tendrils of my hair. I wanted to go after Rae. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and tell her I didn’t mean it. But I couldn't. I knew I couldn't. Because I was bad news, and I always would be.
She had her life ahead of her.
And I had nothing in my future.
My eyes slowly gravitated to my father, lying unconscious on the porch. I didn’t even know what to do with him. Did I need to call 9-1-1? Was he even still breathing? I saw his back softly moving, and I almost regretted it.
Almost regretted not having killed my father when I had the chance.
What kind of person does that make me?
I grimaced and turned my eyes away from him. Maybe if I ignored him long enough, he’d go away. Maybe if I blinked my eyes rapidly, it would somehow rewind time. Back to the last time I’d been pressed against Rae’s body. Back to the last time I’d been in her arms and gazing into those gorgeous eyes.
So I blinked as quickly as I could. Faster, and faster, while I prayed it took me back in time. That, somehow, blinking in quick succession was the key to time travel.
It wasn’t, though.
It only served to hold back my tears.
Rae deserves someone better.
Those four words kept rushing around in my mind. The storm grew and the wind howled. My leather jacket shrunk against me as the rain continued to batter it. Rae did deserve someone better. Someone more worthy of her time. And far less dangerous. The life I lead wasn’t a life to pull someone into. The family I had wasn’t a family I needed to add to.
And it killed me inside.
She went after him, though. She cares about you.
It was true. I’d seen her lunge at him. I’d seen Michael holding her back as she tried to get to me. Which only fueled my need to let her go. If she ever got hurt because of me, I’d never forgive myself. If my father ever hurt her, for any reason, I knew I’d kill him. I’d sit in prison with a smile on my face about it, too. Rae deserved much better than that. She deserved a family that would take her in. Make her feel loved. Make her feel safe. Make her feel wanted.
None of which my father could ever provide for anyone.
I still couldn't remember bits and pieces of the night, though. I couldn't remember how we ended up on the porch. Or the exact moment where I knocked my father out cold. I remember Cecilia screaming. I remember her chest heaving with tears. And the next thing I knew, we were on the porch. Before Michael and Rae pulled up. Then Rae had tried to come to my defense.
And the next thing I know, Dad was on the ground. Unconscious, in a pool of his own blood.
Or possibly mine.
Slowly, pain filled my body. An excruciating pain I didn’t know what to do with. My face throbbed. My neck stiffened. My eyes fluttered closed as more tears pushed themselves to the surface. The night came back in bits and pieces. Rae, screaming from Michael’s arms. Trying to pull away and get to me. Cecilia, crying on the porch as she yelled for both of us to stop. My father, chuckling in his maniacal way as his eyes briefly fell on to Rae.
My knee, connecting with his groin.
I slowly looked back over at my father. Sounds other than the rain slowly dawned on me. Cecilia’s voice, rambling aimlessly as she stood in the doorway of the house.
“Yes, unconscious. Yes, he’s breathing. Uh huh. From the nose. Um, it just—it all happened so fast—I know his nose is broken again. I can just tell by looking at it.”
My eyes gravitated to my stepmother. To the way she looked upon me with worry and hurt. She slipped out, tiptoeing around my father’s body as she came for me. She dipped down, propping a cell phone against her shoulder. She reached out and touched something on my neck. My eye twitched. Her hand cupped my cheek. And when she brushed her finger across my temple, I felt myself get sick to my stomach.
I leaned over, away from her, and began to heave. My stomach turned itself inside out as burning bile worked its way up my throat. Concussion. I had a concussion, right?
I felt my stepmother’s hand softly rubbing my back as I continued to puke on the porch.
It felt like my entire body was revolting against itself. Rising up and refusing to operate anymore until I got into better circumstances. It was like my physical form had finally given up. Had finally waved the white flag of surrender. I worked my way onto my hands and knees. I shook violently as the world spun around me. Tears dripped down my face. Snot fell from my nose. And with every heave, I felt my nose rush pain around the back of my head.
“Cecilia,” I whimpered.
She patted my back. “I’m right here. The paramedics are on their way. Just hold on, okay?”
I couldn’t gain control of my body. I felt helpless. Pathetic. Weak, like my father had always called me. My leather coat had tightened so badly around my arms that I couldn't feel my hands any longer. And that made me cry even harder. My mother’s l
eather coat. The one she gave me when I was a young teenager. Sent to me, for my birthday. As a present and some sort of pathetic excuse for never being in my life. For leaving me behind with a man she knew to be an abusive piece of shit.
