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Allison furrowed her brow. “Hey. What did we do?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. Get to school. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
Michael groaned. “Rae, you can’t just—”
“Michael. Get back to school and leave me be.”
Allison sighed. “Good luck, Rae. Really.”
“Thanks.”
Michael was getting on my fucking nerves, and I needed him to leave. His hands slammed against the steering wheel before he pulled away, leaving Allison watching me with worry on her face. Her head fell out of the window and she craned her neck back, waving as they faded away. I watched t
hem leave before turning back to face Clint’s house.
Please be home. Please be home. Please be home.
The chant seemed familiar as I drew in a deep breath. With my things slung over my shoulder, I resigned myself to missing my last few classes. The only thing that gave my solace was keeping up with my homework. I wasn’t sure how I’d fare come midterms. But I’d deal with that once it came around. Right now, I had bigger things to deal with. I needed answers. I deserved answers.
And I wasn’t leaving until I got them.
I started up the driveway, making my way to the porch. I stared at the front door and couldn't help but pause. Listening out for his father. With every step I took up to the front door, I remembered that encounter. Only two or three days ago, but it felt like an eternity. It took my breath away. I stood on the porch, unable to move. I saw the front door, but my arm didn’t move. I saw the doorbell, but my finger didn’t extend.
The whirlwind of life hit me all at once, pushing tears to my eyes.
I held my breath as the still-life images bombarded my mind. The first time Clint ever picked on me. How I’d yelled at him and he’d grinned at me. The cascade of effects that came after it all. How he’d call me out in the cafeteria. Make fun of my clothes. Of my house. Of my mother. How he called me names and laughed at me with his buddies.
He’s come such a long way.
I saw that night. Where he found me in the park. How angry I’d been that, of all people, he was the one that found me. I remembered how I vibrated with anger at the idea of him sitting next to me. Interjecting himself into my life like I wanted him there for some reason.
Then our first kiss.
That thing sent shivers through my body.
I closed my eyes and relived the first time we had sex. How magical it felt. How his hands felt against my skin. How waking up with him made me feel like a princess. Only, I couldn't stay. I thought about how he ravaged my thoughts. Occupied my mind after that moment. After understanding that he was like me. A boy lost in a world his parental figure had torn to shreds. Used and abused. And angry with the world.
He understands me.
I relived that night. Those boys. The chase. That crash. The ravine. It made me sick to my stomach to think about. And yet I couldn't stop it. It was as if the reel had been started up in a booth somewhere, designed to torture me. I blinked back tears and tried to move. But fear and anguish paralyzed me.
I feel helpless.
I saw Clint in the hospital. Hooked up to tubes. Filled with stitches and bruises. I wavered on my feet as I reminisced on his release. All those times we tried to do his homework, only for him to seduce me with his body. With his words. With his compliments and his eyes. How I wanted to be wrapped up in him again. How I wanted to be his again. How I wanted to tell him how much I loved him.
Does he love me, though?
Had someone asked me that question four days ago, my answer would be ‘yes.’ But now? I wasn’t sure. The reel spiraled me into silence. It held my voice captive. It choked off my tears and my ability to breathe. And it wasn’t until I fell forward that I snapped out of it, gasping for air as I snapped out of my trance and slammed my hands against his front door.
Just in time for the front door to rip itself open.
11
Clinton
“Howard, it’s me. You really need to call me back. I’ve got a lot of questions to ask you that I deserve answers to.”
“Howard, it’s Cecilia. I don’t know if you’ve blocked me or if you’re dodging me, but where in the world do you expect Clint and me to go? Are you leaving me? What is your son going to do about school?”
