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Then I cast a heavy glance at Mike as he stood from his chair.
He picked up his food and his to-go drink. I saw him shake his head at Ally before he stepped away from the table. My eyes followed him, watching as he slinked out the door, shoving his way between people to try and get away that much faster. Rae sighed heavily and I wrapped my arm around her. Ally kept whispering how sorry she was for the way he acted.
But she didn’t have to be sorry on his behalf.
That was his damn job.
35
Raelynn
The night was a blur. Clint and I didn’t talk. We fell asleep in opposite beds with our leftovers from the hibachi restaurant sitting out on the counter. I ate the unrefrigerated food for breakfast. I didn’t bother waking Clint up as I packed my things. I was ready to get home. Ready to get up to my room. Ready to cry myself to sleep for the next week or so before I had to be back at this campus.
Alone.
With no friends in sight.
The morning turned into a blur as well. Clint and I didn't say anything to one another. Allison didn’t come over to check on me. And while I didn’t expect Michael to say anything to me, it still hurt that he didn’t. We all silently piled into Michael’s car just before eleven. Just in time for the hotel-wide checkout. I leaned heavily into the leather seats. I gazed out the window. Allison sat beside me in the back seat while Clint sat up from with Michael.
There was so much distance between all of us I almost couldn't see straight.
“So, does anyone want to listen to some music?”
Allison’s words pierced the silent car ride as we got onto the highway.
“No? Not even Barbie Girl?”
I shook my head, but didn’t say anything.
“Did anyone eat their leftovers for breakfast? Mine were fantastic. Hibachi is always good the day after.”
I knew what she was trying to do. She was trying to lighten the mood. Preserve what was left of our weekend. But her efforts were fruitless. No one wanted to talk and no one wanted to engage with anyone else. Michael kept his lips pursed like the sour-puss he was. Clint’s body tensed and stayed that way, and I just felt sad.
Sadder than I’d ever felt in my entire life.
Allison finally fell silent with a soft sigh. The world passed by the tinted windows as I gazed out toward the world. The outskirts of Los Angeles rolled by. A city that gave birth to me. A city that tried to bury me. A city that, oddly enough, felt like home more than anyplace else.
Well, except Clint’s arms.
Why didn’t he want to sit next to me?
This was all my fault. Michael was right last night. I ruined this trip for everyone who had been looking forward to it. I had been talking about things changing all summer. We had planned this trip together. To try and ease our souls. To try and give us some hope. To try and give us one last memory to take to college with us.
And it was a terrible memory.
What was worse was that I felt like I had ruined my friendships. My relationships with those I loved most. The three most important people to me in my life. In one fell swoop, I had alienated all of them. Clint, the man I loved; Allison, my best friend; and Michael, the first man I ever trusted after my father left.
You’re a fuck-up, Rae.
I couldn't stop turning Michael’s words over in my head. Those things he’d said to me over dinner last night. Jealous of Clint? Was that even possible? I mean, I had never considered any other path other than college. Sure, a four-year institution hadn’t been in the plan. But college had always been there. Some sort of higher education after high school had always been there. How the fuck could I be jealous of Clint for not going?
Going had been my dream.
Are you sure about that?
I shoved the thoughts off to the side. I focused my eyes out the window as the air conditioning pummeled against my face. I kept myself as silent as I could and pressed myself as close to the window as I could get. Away from the tension in the car. Away from the fact that I wanted to scream.
Away from the fact that I wanted to keep crying until I drowned myself in my own tears.
