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ove her hair and lightly run my hand over the marks that fucker left behind. It renews my anger, but I stay silent and take a second to remember where we are and all the shit going on around us, I don’t need to add to it.
Her soft fingers come up and mimic my movements—touching and caressing my upper body. It’s like we are both checking to see if this is a dream. She lets a tear fall and that’s when it hits me that this is reality. I see in her eyes that this isn’t just about what happened to her, but she is just as scared and torn up about Pops as I am.
“I’m sorry, Trey,” she tells me, leaning over slightly to kiss my forehead. I squeeze me eyes shut and grab her hips, grasping them tightly.
“Thank you for being here. I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t,” I tell her, nestling my head into her stomach.
“I will always be here. I’ll never leave you or let you fall alone,” she says, running the tips of her nails through my hair. I open my mouth to respond when the sweet nurse enters the room, she makes eye contact with me, and in them I see sorrow. She probably sees things like this all the time, yet she feels sympathy for me.
“Hello, I’m sorry to bother you, but the doctor needs to see you now, ma’am.” Her formal greeting to Shayla has my heart rate spiking. I don’t want her to leave my side, I want her here with me, but at the same time, I have the natural instinct to want to follow her and make sure my woman is okay. I don’t want her in there alone.
“Okay, thank you. I’ll be right out.” She turns her head back to me and gives me a tiny smile that doesn’t reach her eyes; I mean how could it when all this chaos is going on around us. She leans down and places a soft kiss on my lips.
“I’ll take Kingston with me. I won’t be alone.”
I didn’t say anything to her, but she read my mind. I watch her turn to leave and continue to watch her until she’s no longer in my line of vision. Turning back I glance at Kathy, her head is lying on the bed next to his, her hand wrapped tightly around his limp one.
I can’t imagine what she’s going through. Fuck, I thought Shayla lying in the hospital bed in Park City was a scary thing, but if this had been the circumstance then and I had to helplessly sit by and watch the woman I love lie in this bed, I wouldn’t even be able to stay still.
“Do you know what happened? Did the police tell you anything?” I ask, my eyes not leaving my father’s face.
“Yeah, they said he must have fallen asleep at the wheel, because he swerved into oncoming traffic and flew off the side of the highway when another car clipped him. The car—” She stops and I hear the emotion grow thick in her voice. I reach over, grabbing her hand.
“You don’t have to tell me until you’re ready,” I reassure her, but I’m doing it for me too, maybe I’m the one who’s not ready to hear what happened in that car.
She doesn’t even respond, she just goes back to resting her head on his shoulder.
“Pops?” I whisper, my hand clasped tightly around my dad’s, where my chin is resting. I have this notion in me that I need to say what I’m feeling, tell him all the things I feel he should know, like I will never get the chance again. I really fucking hope that isn’t the case.
“Pops, if you can hear me, I need to tell you something. I need you to know what I need you here for.” I swallow past the hard lump in my throat.
“You know how you told me to marry my girl. Well, Dad, I want to, not really want, actually, it’s more like a burning need deep within me. Like I can’t live without having her as my wife. Her being my wife is a need, an everyday thing I have to have, it’s like breathing. If I didn’t have it, I would suffocate.” I take a deep breath; closing my eyes, I form a clear picture of Shayla in my head. She’s so fucking beautiful it’s almost hard to believe that God created a woman so perfect and was foolish enough to give her to me.
“I bought her a ring, but you see, I need you there, Dad, I need you to tell me how to love her the right way, because I feel my way isn’t good enough. I know you tell me it is, but I want to be deserving enough to have her. I can’t picture a wedding without you. I was going to ask her tonight.” God, it’s been the most insane ride with her these past thirteen years, but I wouldn’t change all the ups and downs we faced together for anything.
“Don’t you want to be there, Dad, when I marry her? Then one day, if I’m lucky, she will give me beautiful children, fucking perfect children that are just like her. Wise, sweet, kind, humbled, fucking works of art, and all of them will be mine to protect, my heart will be completely full. Except for the part where you might not be there. Damn it, Dad, I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done that you may have not been proud of. You’ve been my best friend since the day I could build memories; we’ve been through hell and back. I love you, Pops. If this is the last moment I get to tell you things, this is my promise to you.” I pause my rambling momentarily to squeeze his hand and wipe away the errant tears from my face. I know I’m rambling, but it feels like time is sitting on my fucking shoulder and the alarm is approaching, telling me to hurry. This feels abnormal, very dooming—out of this world.
“I promise to always be the best version of me. I’ll never stop trying to be the perfect man for the perfect woman. I promise to tell my sons about you and show my daughters all the ways you could have loved them like a grandpa. I’ll wake Shayla up every morning and tell her first thing that I love her, just like you did with Kathy.” I hear Kathy quietly sniffling, and when our eyes meet, her lips tremble with a small smile. There is a chance my dad can wake from this nightmare, so what I’m saying may be pointless, but something inside me tells me he won’t.
“Dad, I’ll take care of Mom; Kathy will never go a day without me. But most of all, you will live in my memory, every damn day, and I’ll honor you in all things I set out to do. I love you so much, Dad.” Standing up, I lean over and place my lips to his forehead. I keep them there and squeeze my eyes shut, a tear landing on him. I hold his hand tightly, giving him all the strength that I possibly can.
The monitor next to us makes a new sound that I haven’t heard since I walked in here. I stand straight and look at Kathy. She lets out a loud cry as the doctors come running in. The air shifts and my once hopeful thoughts of him walking out of here with me, shatter. Shaking me to my core and seizing my heart in my chest, like a fucking heart attack.
“Sir, ma’am, he is going into cardiac arrest, we need you to wait in the lobby.” My heart stops, literally stops beating. My feet stumble over each other and the room goes silent. I’m being pushed and rushed out, but I don’t feel anyone touching me, don’t hear the sound of voices or machines. The people around me a blur of commotion. Making our way down the long, narrow hall filled with nurses and patient rooms, the heavy florescent lights above me pass quickly. Just like a scene out of a movie.
WITHIN THIRTY MINUTES, SIX LITTLE words changed me forever, left me broken and with a piece of my heart that will never heal.
“I’m sorry, we couldn’t save him.” Those six words that the doctor probably says ten times a day to people like me. A mantra well rehearsed, but an effect that you can never prepare for. Six words that told me I lost my father forever.
“You didn’t try hard enough! Go try again! He’s still in there, damn it!” I yell, grabbing a chair and throwing it, the scene catching the attention from everyone in the waiting room. My rage even terrifies me, coming from deep within.
“Sir. Please calm down, we tried to resuscitate more than the allotted amount,” the doctor says with only slight emotion. His lack of sensitivity gutting me, as if he didn’t just tell me that I lost my best friend, my father.
“Allotted amount! That’s my fucking father, I don’t give a shit about your allotted amount, try it again!” A few security guards come through the door. The doctor holds up his hand, warding them to stay put. That’s what I thought.
“Sir. I’m very sorry for your loss, but we couldn’t revive him.” My chest is rising and falling at a rapid rate, I can he
ar Kathy behind me, crying. I turn and pull her in my arms, ignoring the doctor.
