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“I bet. I couldn’t imagine losing the love of my life.” Her brows lift and she stares at the bottle of shampoo just to the side of her. Lana’s thinking of Kingston, I can tell. I just feel it. I wouldn’t be able to lose Trey, just as much as she wouldn’t be able to lose Kings.
“No. It would suck.”
“Amen. The shop’s doing good by the way, I have a ton of cute things to add on the website.” Her bright smile breaks the heavy; giving me the first genuine smile I’ve had all week.
“I can’t wait to see them, do you need my help?” I sit up and re-adjust myself. I miss clothes, I miss the store, I miss doing the one thing I love. Right now, I wish I could spend the day lost in the boutique to drown out the misery that has recently become my life.
“No, you just relax and focus on Trey. He needs you.” Trey does need me, he needs me to be strong and carry him through this. I just hope my back and heart are strong enough to carry the load.
“Thanks, Lana. I’d be lost without you.”
“No shit, the whole world would be lost without me,” she jokes, and I flick some water at her, splashing her cute face. I love Lana James.
She smiles and we spend some time talking about the crazy customers she had come in today. I laugh at a few, thankful that I’m able to shut out the world for a while.
I CHANGE INTO MY WHITE silk nightie and brush out my wet hair before heading back to the bedroom. The room is dark except for the city lights shining through the window. You’ve got to love Seattle; it never sleeps and provides a beautiful backdrop.
I look to Trey’s sleeping form where he’s laid out on his back, taking up the entire space. The blanket is bunched at his waist and his empty scotch glass is beside him, wrapped in his hand. I feel my heart pinch with pain, I hate that he’s drowning his sorrows in booze; it only adds another vice for him to grow distant from me.
Like I told Lana, we haven’t talked, touched, or done much of anything since Pops passing, and as much as I try to understand, it sucks being so physically close but yet emotionally distant with the person you love. I want him to open up to me, tell me how much he’s hurting. Lose himself in the comfort of me.
I lean over his body and carefully grab the glass, making sure I don’t wake him. Since he’s taking up the entire bed, I decide to sleep on the couch tonight. I’m exhausted and have only had a grand total of seventeen hours of sleep in the past five days—sleep is calling to me. Sneaking out of the room, I quietly rinse the glass and place it in the sink, too tired to completely wash it. I’ll just add it to my ever-growing to-do list.
I look at the gold clock above the TV and see it’s only eight o’clock. My heck, it feels like midnight. Going to the door to make sure it’s locked, I jump back when it opens and Kingston walks in with a bag of Chinese food from our favorite restaurant.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. Lana called and said you were still up so I wanted to stop by and have some dinner with you,” he says softly, lifting his shoulders in the air.
My composed self ceases to exist after this, I break. Tears com
e streaming down my face and I fall into his arms, wrapping them so tight around his muscular midsection. I know Lana is behind me because she grabs the food from Kings, places it on the counter, and then resumes her place behind me, wrapping her arms around the both of us. I’m completely encased by support and love, so thankful not only for Lana calling my brother, but for my brother once again proving to be my hero and showing up.
“Shh. It’s okay, sis. I’m here, it’s all gonna be okay.” I let everything I can’t hold in anymore, release. Maybe Lana had a point, maybe I need to break on someone and let them listen to my pain.
“You’re my hero, Kingston. I needed this tonight. Thank you for calling him, L,” I babble into my brother’s chest as I continue to weep for all the tragedy that has stumbled into my life—into our lives.
“You can always call me when you need me, you don’t have to be so fucking strong by yourself all the time, Shay,” he tells me firmly, pushing me away from his chest and locking his gaze on mine.
Lana just gave me this speech in the bathroom, as if they both planned it for an intervention. Don’t I need to be strong though?
“I know, I just feel so selfish for even being upset.” Kingston listens to me as he guides me to the couch. He sits on one side while Lana takes her place on the other. Sandwiched between the two, I cry harder.
“Why do you feel like that?” Kingston looks at me, worried. My heaving is loud, and I feel my every breath fighting to get out, my lungs feeling way too tight.
“I don’t know, I feel sad over losing Pops, but it tears me up to see Trey so upset and so lost. I told L earlier that he was dealt such a shitty hand and it’s not fair, because he is the greatest person I know. He doesn’t deserve losing his mom and then his dad,” I ramble, laying my head down in Kingston’s lap. Lana grabs my feet, putting them across her knees, her thumb rubbing circles up the center.
I need to rest my body, all this crying and lack of sleep is giving me the worst headache. Exhaustion is taking drive over my body, and if I go much longer without sleep, I may become a walking zombie with zero control over myself.
“There’s nothing wrong or selfish about the way you’re feeling, Shay. In fact, if you didn’t feel this way I would then think you were selfish.”
Kingston does have a point. I’ve been putting so much time and effort into taking care of the funeral and Trey that I haven’t given myself time to mourn my loss.
“You’re right, I just miss Trey.”
“I know you do, we all do. But you need to remember, he’s still in there and it’s up to us to make sure he gets through this,” Kingston says, running his hands through my damp hair. I feel like a kid again, he used to always hold me and play with my hair when I cried about whatever it was I needed to cry about. Kingston hit the nail on the head with that one, it won’t be easy and times are hard now, but I promised Trey I wouldn’t leave his side, and most importantly, that I wouldn’t let him feel alone.
“True.” I nod.
Just like I almost told Lana in the bathtub, I almost tell Kings—almost—about the news I received from the doctor. My mind starts to wander back to that day, the memories so vivid it feels like I’m still in that room. I want to push the images of that day away, but the soothing rubs on my head and feet and the warm comfort from my brother and Lana, has me slipping into a dark day dream.
