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“Oh, even better, I hope it’s more of this lace.” His fingers trace the tops of my th
ighs where the lace of my dress hits.
“No, not that. Just sit on the couch, I’ll be right back.” His cocky grin tells me he doesn’t think I’m playing serious. I really am. More than ever I feel compelled that this is the time Pops would want him to have this letter. Hurrying to my room, I open my top drawer and pull out the envelope. It weighs heavy in my hands, as do my feet as they pad back to the living room—here goes nothing.
I plant myself next to him and place my hand on his knee.
“Here.” I hand him the envelope, the creamy ivory paper looks striking against his tan, calloused hands.
“What’s this?” he asks, looking from the letter to me.
“When I cleaned out your father’s office, I found this letter. It was addressed to you. I opened it and read the first line and knew it was something you needed to read. I didn’t read too much. Just enough to understand what it’s for. Please don’t be mad. But I think you need to read this. I’ll leave you alone for a minute. I’ll be right in the other room.” I start to stand, ready to give him space, when my wrist is grabbed firmly.
“No. Please stay here with me,” he begs.
“Are you sure?” There’s vulnerability in his Caribbean blue eyes. He nods slowly. I sit back down in my spot, our bodies closer this time. Hip to hip, arm to arm, thigh to thigh, like puzzle pieces.
“Can I read it out loud?”
“You don’t have to ask me, of course you can.”
Releasing a deep breath, he opens the letter with shaky hands. I really hope this is the right time. I hope I didn’t misread how he’s doing. Clearing his throat one last time and giving me a quick, timid smile, he refocuses his eyes on the letter in front of him.
Son,
If you’re reading this, this means I was taken far too soon. I don’t know what’s harder, writing this letter or knowing that you’re reading it. I saw you yesterday and I couldn’t stop thinking about our talk, and I had this sudden urge to write this. No one thinks that they will be taken soon, and I pray that I won’t. But if I do, I know you’ll need these words to continue on without me. You sure got my emotions, I’m a mess writing this—real men cry, don’t think differently.
First, I’m really proud of you, son. So damn proud of whom you’ve become. I don’t think I told you enough in this life how amazing you are and how blessed I was to be the one to raise you. Please know that I’ll be there beside you every day, whispering to you how proud I am.
Something weighed heavy on me when you left, that I need to make sure I work with you on. If not, then hopefully you’ll work on it every day that I’m gone. You hold so much anger and fear from the past that we were subjected to. We lost your mom to the selfish things in this world, not because we weren’t good enough or rich enough. So please find it in yourself, son, to forgive her. Forgive your mother for what she did to you, because if you don’t, this darkness will swallow you whole. You’re too great of a person to live your life in darkness with demons from your past. Nothing was your fault. Please, son, please learn to forgive and accept the things that we can’t change.
Now, to the great news. I can’t believe that you finally made Shayla yours. I’m patting your back right now, do you feel that? Yeah, that’s my boy. She’s really beautiful, son, and not just her looks. Her soul and heart are so pure and ready to love you. Please let her love you with everything she can. And, Trey Joseph Adams, you better love her back, fiercely and ferociously. Let that woman know she’s yours. Remember to always say sorry first, never leave her abandoned, never say malicious things. Lastly, keep the fights clean and the sex dirty. I know you didn’t think I had that in me. But I know you and I know her, you two will face many trials, but I’ve never been more sure of two people surviving together than you two.
I’m closing this letter thinking, what do you say to someone who means everything to you? Well, here’s the best that I got. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Trey. You were a light in my life, and I never want to see that flame dull out. Continue to strive for the dreams that you are starting and please, please learn to forgive and learn to let go.
I love you, son, and I’m sorry that I didn’t get longer with you. I’ll be there every day. I will be the voice in the distance. The laughter in your children and the wind passing by. I will always love you. I’ll see you one day, but until then, make this world a better place and live for me, because I can’t anymore. I’m passing the baton. Take it proudly, son. I love you forever.
— Dad “Pops”
P.S. Take care of my Queen. Kathy was my real love, so please make sure she remembers that every day and when the time comes, support her when she finds love again. She deserves happiness.
I love you, son.
We’re both crying by the end of the letter. That was beautiful. Profoundly perfect with the words we both so desperately wanted to hear. It felt so real, like he was still here, in this room with us.
“Wow,” he says, wiping away the tears with the back of his hand. I watch the perfect man I love cry for the first time in months from…something other than pain. It warms me to know that these words brought him solace.
“Do you feel closure?” I rub circles on his taut back. His muscles bunching under the touch of my nails.
“Actually, I do. I mean it hurts a little to know that he wrote this not knowing what little time we actually had left. He had to have written it the day I went to see him to tell him about us.” He pauses, pinching the bridge of his nose. “But I feel like a weight’s been lifted. That the darkness that’s been surrounding me has finally faded.”
“He’s right you know. You’re someone to be proud of. I’m proud of you for who you are and how strong you’ve been since he passed. He’s lucky to have raised you, and I’m lucky to be the one who gets to experience what an amazing job he did.”
“Baby…” His voice is a plea, like what I just said was almost painful to hear.
He grabs me, positioning me so I’m straddling him. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and he lays the side of his face against my chest.
“Don’t get me wrong, losing my dad left a void, and I still miss him like crazy. But you’ve been here the whole time loving me, there’s been no crack or space in my heart that hasn’t been filled with another ounce of your love.” My heart skips a beat.
