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“I felt selfish,” he tells me. I’m not sure as to why he would be thinking he’s selfish. He fought for me to come back to him, he’s learning to forgive his mother, who I don’t trust, but that’s my issue. He proposed to me and asked me to start a family.
Family.
I tense at the thought, the secret I’m hiding deep within weakening me, making me feel like a terrible person. I hate this, maybe I should tell him. Not maybe, I need to.
“You’re not selfish, not at all. You’ve been so selfless since your dad left. You’ve managed to still fight for me when I was the selfish one and you’re forgiving Gwen.” I turn in his arms, bringing my face close to his, losing myself in his blue eyes. Guilt consumes me, pushing me in the black pit of secrets.
I shoot up out of bed and grab his button-up shirt. He looks confused by my sudden change, but I need distance before I tell him everything. This secret has the ability to go one of two ways, either up or down, I pray for up.
“Babe, what’s wrong?” Standing to put his briefs on, he moves toward me while I’m on the final button of his top.
“I just…I think you need to sit down.” I wipe the hair from my face and start pacing back and forth, the familiar sting of tears burning my eyes, my nose starting to run.
“Okay, but you’re scaring me, what’s going on?” Sitting on the bench in front of my bed, with his back tall and his legs spread, I stop in front of him. My mind is fighting so many emotions. I can’t pick whether I need to cry, scream, or beg for forgiveness before he even knows what I’m about to say. I’m choking on my own sobs, trying to keep them at bay, but it’s useless.
“Trey, a couple of months back,” I start, my lip quivering; my eyes heavy with tears blurring my vision. “I had severe pain so I went to the doctor and thought maybe I was pregnant.” I can’t even finish my sentence when I collapse at his feet. He doesn’t deserve another heartbreak; he’s been through enough.
“Shayla! Baby! What the fuck is wrong?” Picking me up and nursing my wounds, he cradles me in his lap, my legs hanging over his knee, my back in the crook of his arm. I soak his chest in my tears. This is the first time in this situation where I have felt sorry for someone else and not myself.
“Please, baby, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“Trey, I went to the doctor and I—”
“Did you lose the baby?” Sorrow doesn’t even scratch the surface of how I can tell he’s feeling, all by the look on his face. Trey looks lost, just like I feel. I hurry to ease his worried mind.
“No…no…nothing like that, you see…” I take a deep breath, bringing it back in the best I can. This will probably not make sense, but I can’t think of an easier or simpler way to tell him what’s going on.
“I have tumors on my uterus, and they told me I may never be able to conceive.” I don’t over speak; I don’t even attempt to over explain. I tell it like it is, in idiot’s terms. What else is there to say that he will understand anyway?
Regardless of how serious this is and the health condition I am in, I lied to Trey—okay, hid a secret from him. I wait for him to push me away and yell at me, scream at me, or have some grand gesture that may crush me, but still be well deserved.
“You’ve been carrying this all by yourself, Shay?” Unlike moments ago when my name was an erotic whisper, it’s now a dull, lifeless being.
“Yes, I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want you to leave me.” I sound desperate, a woman so scared to lose her millions she would do anything to keep it.
“Baby, I would never fucking leave you. Especially for that. This isn’t your fault and he said you may not be able to, but that it’s not impossible, right?” I bob my head rapidly, clinging to the hope he found in everything hopeless.
“That’s what they said, it’s a low possibility, but part of me still clings to that small possibility. I don’t have any other choice, baby.” I drop my head, embarrassed. Do I sound stupid for holding out for something even science is telling me may never, ever happen? Where do I let science stop and let faith kick in?
Kissing my temple, he nudges my cheek with his chin, pushing me to look at him. I do, but with a heavy weight on my shoulder. “Then we won’t stop trying or giving up until we’re told indefinitely.” I’m surprised—baffled—completely knocked on my butt by his words. Trey isn’t even showing one ounce of anger.
“You’re not mad that I hid it from you?” Standing, he carries us toward my bathroom.
“No, I’m sad, if anything, that you had to go through this by yourself. We’re a fucking team, baby. That means we need to tell each other things,” he stresses with a stern tone. “Getting married is a promise to fight all battles and struggles together, so we need to start now.” I’m floored that he’s forgiven me, that he wasn’t even mad at me in the first place.
Loving someone like I love Trey cannot be summed up by one word. He makes me feel cherished, no matter what we’re going through. What kind of man would just shrug off something like this and chalk it up to being more about me opening up to him than pissed that I hid a secret this big? I would have thrown a fit if the roles were reversed, I know that whole-heartedly. Maybe that’s the difference between him and I? Maybe this is why he’s my other half, the better side of me, the parts of me that I’m no good at.
“Your dad was right.” I kiss his chest as he sets me down, my feet touching the cold tile of my bathroom. “We’ll face many trials, but we can survive it together.”
“I will always keep you, you’re mine. If we can’t have children, we’ll adopt. I’ll make us a family, Shayla.” Trey promises me. His words may be sweet, but the impact hits harder, striking into me with a loud thud. I feel useless, resenting myself for him, because he shouldn’t have to settle.
I sob into his chest, the tears now heavier than before. He’s being way too good to me, way too sweet, making me feel like I’m being crushed by mountains of guilt.
“I was so upset when I found out. I felt like I was letting you down.”
“Oh, baby, no. Never.” Scooping me into his strong, warm arms, he rocks us back and forth. “This is why I wish you would have told me, Shay… You shouldn’t have gone this long feeling this alone. Hating yourself for no damn reason.”
“But I couldn’t tell you, I didn’t need you to suffer another loss—another letdown. This year has been so hard on you and I. We have faced way too much crap, especially you. I didn’t want to hurt you.” Pushing me back, he frames my face with his hands, with a determined purpose. The blue irises that I love are lined in red, water puddling around the edges. He’s going to cry, feeling everything right here beside me—together.
