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“I love you, Lana James. Now tell me you love me.” I plant myself deep, right against her cervix. Her mouth flies open and her brown eyes hit mine, she looks full with me, teetering on the edge of pleasure and pain. I feel her juices coat me and her walls squeeze me, coming hard.
“I love you Kingston! Ugh!” Her back hits the bed and I come harder, my toes curling like hers and my neck straining while I cry out her name. Collapsing on top of her careful to not hurt her stomach, I hear the faint sound of her sniffling. She’s crying. Fuck me, why did I do that?
Did that just happen? Did I say I loved him out loud while he made love to me? You said you would try Lana James, not just give in and fall at his feet because he makes you feel good in bed. I care for Kingston and I do love him, but loving him in the way it means to truly love is something I need to work on.
“I’m sorry, Lana. I shouldn’t have asked you to say that. I just... I don’t know... shit.” He jolts up and climbs out of bed, leaving the spot next to me empty, filled with coldness. I watch him slide on his briefs and I see our constant battle happening before my eyes. I don’t blame him, I just blurted out I love you, then broke into tears. So badly, do I want to tell Kingston that I love him and I’m ready to receive his love, but I’m not. I’m not ready to be someone’s everything again, I need to work on being my everything first.
“Hey, Kings. Please don’t. It’s okay. Please stay,” I beg desperately. For one night I want to break the cycle, break free from the chains that bind us. He freezes looking up at me, his hair a disheveled mess, he looks shocked. That makes two of us.
“What?”
“I said I would try. Please stay.” Pausing for a brief second, he thinks it over. I don’t want this night to end with us apart again. We both sigh a huge relief. Climbing back into bed with me, he wipes my tears and cuddles me. His warmth feels so damn good right now.
“I do care for you Kings and I love you, but this isn’t just going to change overnight.”
“I know.” Turning him into me, our faces inches from each other, we make eye contact. This is serious and I can’t just let him think that because I love him that I’m not fucking messed up. I’m a basket case, nothing but a girl with tons of baggage.
“It’s not going to be easy. I’m still damaged, Kings,” I choke on my last words.
“Lana what are you so afraid of with me, baby? Let me in.”
I swallow hard, suddenly dying for a glass of water. My fingers find his chest, chasing over the intricate designs, the portrait over his chest makes me smile. It’s of Shayla. He has her portrait, as well as his fathers. He lives for family and that makes me happy, he will be a great father and he doesn’t even know it.
“Lana, tell me,” he demands.
“I’m broken, Kingston. I fear a lot of things. I can still feel the blows, the vile words, the fe
ar of dying at the hands of what I thought was love.” I look up at his face noticing his jaw ticking, grinding his teeth. He looks guilty. I hate that he feels guilty. I know he feels that way because I begged him and everyone else to stay silent with me. He feels responsible for the abuse—talk about a heavy burden. That burden he carries was placed on his shoulders by me and now I need to make him see that it was never him—only me.
“Don’t do that Kingston. Don’t blame yourself.”
“How can I not L? You wouldn’t live with this fear and all the pain if I would have fucking went to the cops or your parents. I was such a fucking coward.”
I don’t think I’m the only one who lives with the scars from that time in my life. They all do, Trey, Shayla, my parents—all of them, but even more so, Kingston. He took it the hardest because I was nearly killed after I told Joel I wanted out. But I was adamant about not calling the cops because Kingston promised me a better life, a better love.
“Kings, look at me.” Lifting his solemn gaze to me, I see painstaking regret. “I’m alive because of you. You saved me that night, I was on the edge of the end, but you saved me.”
“What about the other fucking times L? I should’ve stepped up!” Kingston turns over on his back, rubbing his hands over his face in anger. I climb over him, straddling his stomach, dragging his hands away from his face placing them on mine instead.
“Kingston. I lived every day in fear. I know that you wanted to save me and you did so many times. You were the solid light in that complete darkness. You made me laugh, you made me feel whole again. After every hit, you saved me. He would have ended me if I would have tried to leave and you know that, baby—you do. I was so scared when they locked him up, that he would still get out and hurt me. I still live with that. I’m not saying this is gonna be easy, but we both need to learn to forget the past. I’ll probably test your patience over and over again with my crazy fears and insecurities, but I want to try and learn to love again, learn to let someone into my heart again.”
Rubbing my cheeks with the pads of his thumb he memorizes my every outline, like it’s his first time seeing me.
“I can try to let go of my own regrets, but know that I will never let him or anyone hurt you again. No matter how many times you beg me not to. I will forever protect you from the evils in this world.”
“You’re forever saving me, Kingston.” Lifting his head, I meet him half way, kissing him, so damn thankful for his willingness to put up with my damage. It can’t be healthy for us to do this, but that’s just the thing, we both don’t care. We want this no matter how much we deny it or find ways to keep it from happening.
“I love you, I promise I’ll be patient...I promise I’ll help heal you.” Completion starts to fill in the cracks of my heart, filling all the places where I once felt empty. That’s what he does to me, that’s who Kingston is. Sharing a few more soft kisses and whispered words, he tells me to sleep. Rolling over, I turn off the lamp on my side of the bed before turning back into him, wrapping my leg around him and nestling my head on his chest. My hand finds my name, tattooed on his lower stomach, bringing me comfort. I still can’t believe he got that fucking tattoo. I fall asleep with a smile etched on my face, he is such a caveman.
“Joel, I thought we were gonna try and work on us.” I play with the hem of my cheer skirt, scared to make direct eye contact.
“Oh shut up, it’s no big deal, Lana.” He brushes me off, starting up the car.
“Don’t tell me to shut up, Joel! You were with her, kissing her. You promised you wouldn’t cheat anymore.” I know I made the wrong move instantly but I can’t help it. I thought he was gonna be faithful after the last few times I caught him with Jessie. Pulling over to the side of the road he slams on the breaks throwing the car into park.
“I’m sorry. I just thought you loved me,” I apologize, retracting my statement in the hopes of not getting into it with him. I’m still bruised from the last fight.
“Not really.”
