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“There was never a moment I didn’t want you! I wasn’t doing it because I didn’t want you. I was pushing you away so you wouldn’t want me! I know I’m fucked up in the head, Kings, and I tend to push away good things. But I never once didn’t want you. How dare you do that just to fucking spite me!” I yell, pushing past him, beyond angry, beyond hurt, beyond absolute madness. I’m furious.
“Don’t!” he shouts after me as I make my way down the stairs. I ignore him and keep going as he follows me. “Please, Lana, don’t!”
I keep going, giving him the best silent treatment yet, but before I even clear the last step, I am engulfed in his big, tatted arms, his huge frame eating my small one.
“Kingston!” I try to squirm from his hold, but he keeps a firm grasp on me.
“Don’t leave me again. Don’t walk away from us,” he whispers in my ear during my fit of movement, and abruptly I freeze hearing his words and the pained strain in his pitiful voice. I breathe in and out deeply, counting to three and lining my ducks in a row like Dr. Moore said before I attempt to talk back.
“Kings...”
“Baby, call me baby, please,” he begs, and my stomach drops, along with the rate of my heart. I debate it, debate against, and then decide to give in. Not because I’m weak or easily forgiving him, but because behind the anger, there is still his insecure lover, who needs to know I’m reading this wrong and that Hilary is not a threat to us.
“Baby...you hurt me.” Our emotions are high. We’re both learning how to communicate for the first time in our relationship, and it’s proving to be a lot harder than we thought. We always communicated with our bodies, never our words, and now we are being forced to handle our issues at face value, learning that sex cannot fix everything.
“I know I did, and I fucked up, but I never once had any intentions of ever letting it go anywhere. I don’t want her. I never did. Whenever I was with her—”
“Kingston, please don’t,” I cut him off, but he ignores me, squeezing me tighter to his taut frame.
“When I was with her, I saw you. You have no idea the things I was willing to do to have you, let alone what I was willing to do to pretend I had you. She never meant anything. She was just another means to owning you with my mind. I never fucking saw her. I’ve only ever seen you.”
My knees weaken, and for a brief second, the woman in me feels for Hilary, knowing all those years she gave herself to Kingston in hopes of having him forever that I was the one he really wanted, that he used her. I couldn’t imagine not having Kingston as mine forever, let alone knowing someone else out there occupied his every thought—even the ones when he was physically with me.
But that passes when the selfish part in me who belongs to Kingston feels relief. I wait a moment and let time pass us by, leaving the words hanging around us, before I turn in on him.
Kingston’s large, beast like frame stands as a wall in front of me, the king to his little queen, the beast to his beauty, the man to his little lady, and I feel safe. “Did you look at her picture when you were touching yourself that night?” I finally speak, needing to know the answer to at least this one.
“No. Never.” He reaches up and cocoons my face with his large palms. I close my eyes, and like a dream, I forget reality for a second and soak in his warmth with a sigh. “Look at me.”
I finally open my eyes and see that stark difference. He’s focused and determined to have my attention. “I was looking at you and me. The night you let me touch you for the first time, completely. When you let me see your scars. The night you let me own you.”
I gulp, remembering that night and feeling my stomach grow tight and heavy with butterflies.
“Do you remember that?” He breaks my trance and I nod, unable to find words. “You did something to me that night. You tore in like a hurricane and, with thunder and lightening, you created a fucking mess inside me.”
“You did the same to me. You make me crazy, Kingston. You have no idea the things I’m willing to do just to keep you.”
“That’s exactly what I want.” He leans in and licks the seam of my slightly agape lips, his breath hot against my now wet lip.
“Is it?” I moan when he brings his hand down and grips my neck, squeezing the thin column enough to render me paralyzed, yet not enough to hurt.
“It is. Want to know just how crazy I am over you? The things I want to do to you?”
“What?” I gasp when he flexes his hand, and I hang on every word.
“I want you pregnant again. Give me another baby and make my kingdom grow.”
I nearly choke on my moan and my head spins. “Kings, we just had Prince.” I hear the words leaving me, but I don’t really understand what I’m saying, too caught up in this fog.
“I know, and he’s fucking perfect. Give me more little ones like him. God, I wanna see you round again, fucking filled with me,”she groans, leaning in and biting my lip. I can’t believe we went from fighting to this, but I love it. He makes me feel owned, consumed by him.
“I see you never took your pills after Prince. Why do you think I’ve been fucking you bare any second I get? You’re mine, and I want my queen pregnant again. Tell me no.”
He’s not giving me a chance to say no; he’s basically threatening me to say no, so he can convince me otherwise.
Having another child with him sounds perfect. Trust me, Prince has made me baby-hungry for a whole tribe, but is it too much too soon? Are we rushing this? If I’m being honest, I think subconsciously I want this too. He’s right. Since Prince, I never started the birth control our doctor wanted me on, and what’s more is I could have started taking it when we became sexually active again, but I didn’t. I guess we may never learn.
“You aren’t just saying all this to make me forget about Hilary?” I murmur, my equilibrium lining back up.
