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A second later, he releases his hold on my hands and rests his panting body against mine. Then he pulls himself out of his orgasmic bliss for long enough to roll to my side.
I know the “I love yous” don’t count. They won’t change anything. His demons are still winning. Even if Alexandra disappears tomorrow, not another threat or interview, Gavin will still be crouching in the corner, afraid to admit that he’s deserving of love and respect—that he’s capable of moving forward. I can try to make him feel loved and cared for until my body literally can’t take another Gavin Black orgasm. It won’t change the fact that he doesn’t believe it.
And I’m not sure where that leaves us.
Pretending to be engaged, but actually in love? Trying to conquer an enemy that can’t be beaten? Alexandra isn’t the true problem here. Gavin’s fears are the true barrier. He’s scared the story of his childhood will lead to failure, personally and professionally.
I should walk away now.
I know I can’t fall further and further in love with him while we lie to the rest of the world, including my mother.
I roll onto my side and prop my head up with my hand. My right elbow rests in the bedding. With everything that happened, Alexandra’s interview and our encounter with my ex, I never discovered why he refused to tell my mother the truth. “Can I ask you something?”
He turns and mirrors my position. “Yes, I wanted to tie your hands to the bedpost.”
Okay. I’m not opposed to the idea. I trust Gavin would never hurt me. But …
“That wasn’t my question.”
He smiles at me and reaches his free hand out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “I didn’t think so.”
“Why didn’t you tell my mother the truth when you talked to her? You fought for that rule. But when I spoke to her it didn’t sound like she knew this was fake.”
His grin fades. “She called you immediately afterward didn’t she?”
“Yes.”
He rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling. He’s still wearing the spent condom. His hand moves to his crotch as if he’s also realized this. He slips it off and tosses it aside. “I was in my office.”
“You thought someone would overhear?” My stomach drops a bit. That’s not exactly the answer I was hoping to hear.
“No, I didn’t want her to be mad at me.” He rolls to his side again and looks at me. “I realized that if I told your mom I’d dragged you into this awful mess because I was too afraid to tell the truth, she would get pissed. She’s protective of you.”
“Oh.” I can’t think of anything else to say. He broke the rule so my mother wouldn’t scold him. It had nothing to do with true love or the possibility that we don’t need to pretend anymore.
I reach for the edge of the comforter hanging off the side of the bed and pull it over me.
“Cold?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I lie.
I can’t tell him the truth. Making love to him meant something to me. The sex wasn’t just sex anymore. It was an expression of love.
And now I need to walk away from the man I love because I can’t stay and be a prop in his crazy plan. It will take more of myself than I am willing to give.
“Kayla, we’ll tell her the truth when this is all over.” His dark eyes stare into mine, begging me to believe him.
“When will it end?” I ask softly. “When Margaret discovers Alexandra’s identity? When the story fades away? When the media calls her a liar?”
“That would be a start,” Gavin says with a grin.
I nod. I have a bad feeling that won’t be the end because Gavin will still be hiding.
“I love you even though I know everything about you.” I hug the blanket tighter. I already feel as if I’ve opened myself up to heartbreak. I need something protecting me while I serve up my feelings on a freaking platter.
“I know. But you also want to build bedrooms for shelter dogs.” His tone suggests that he thinks I’m crazy.
And maybe I am. I walked into this fake relationship, knowing I could fall for him. I held out hope that maybe he might change. That the blackmail fiasco would make Gavin realize he’s worthy of love. He always has been, even when he was a kid.
