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He looked up from his glass, meeting Sadie’s patient gaze. “One look at the woman in Hunter’s arms and I saw Jane. For a split second, the grief came rushing back. I was lying in the desert, staring through the scope of my sniper rifle, and I was drowning. While my head was somewhere else, Hunter got shot. Our supposedly heroic ride ended with one of our own nearly losing his life. And that’s on me.”
“I’m proud of you for telling her.” Sadie scooted closer and rested her hand on his thigh. “But what
does this mean for your job?”
He shook his head. “Honestly? I’m not sure. Hunter’s girl, Maggie, her dad served, and I get the sense she meant it when she told me she wanted to write a positive account of our mission. And it sounds like what happened, my mistake and Hunter getting shot, will be more of a footnote than the focus of her book.”
She gave his leg a light squeeze. “That’s good news, right?”
“It is. But if one reporter is sniffing around the story, there are bound to be others.” He rested his hand on top of hers, craving the connection. “If I keep my head down and stay out of the spotlight, I should be able to return to work and prevent my team from looking bad.”
She nodded slowly. “You love what you do.”
“Yes.” He looked down at their joined hands resting on his leg. A few days ago, he’d been second-guessing and doubting if he was ready to move on. Now he knew. She’d helped him find his way. There was so much he would miss about her when they parted. He’d miss her creative approach to sex, but her teasing, fun-loving nature topped the list.
“Being a ranger—it’s who I am. I love serving my country,” he said. “But it takes so much. So damn much.”
* * *
SADIE STARED AT his hand covering hers. She had been wildly intimate with this man in the shower, but now? The fact that he was opening up to her, talking about his day and how his job impacted his life meant he considered her a friend, someone he trusted.
She felt the same about him. In a few days, this fling had started to mean more to her than any of her past relationships. If they took it further—
No. Impossible. He’d been clear—his position as a ranger meant everything to him. If a reporter discovered her identity while they were still together, unwanted publicity would rain down on him. And tonight she’d started the ball rolling toward her big announcement.
She wasn’t willing to sacrifice her future. She couldn’t. Her father, her sister and now a newborn baby depended on her.
“I’ve found that the best things, the things we want the most, come at a cost. Sometimes a job isn’t just a job.” She withdrew her hand, wrapping both around her glass. “I don’t risk my life when I go to work. Not like you do. In fact, most of the time, I work in my pajamas.”
She turned the glass in her hands, searching for the words and debating how much she wanted to tell him. “But I understand what it means to make sacrifices in order to follow your passion. Talking to that writer today, not knowing what she would write, took guts.”
“Hunter took a bullet for me. I didn’t have a choice.”
“I still think you’re brave. To tell her everything. To risk so much,” she said, feeling like a coward. She should tell him that being with her could cost him. All it would take was one reporter snapping a picture of them together once the news of her identity broke. Then the press would start asking questions. Who was the man with MJ Lane? What did he do?
Logan should decide whether he wanted to stay, once he learned the whole truth. But she knew what was holding her back. He’d leave. And as much as it had hurt to watch Kurt walk away, this would hurt more. It was silly. She’d only known Logan a short time, but she felt more at home with him than she’d ever felt with another man.
“Thing is, I didn’t.” He looked away, focusing on some distant point outside the window. “I didn’t tell her everything. There are some things I haven’t told anyone. Before my wife got sick...Jane wanted out. Of our marriage. She hated the constant deployments. She wanted kids and with me gone all the time...”
One look at his pained expression and Sadie knew. “You would have given it all up. For her.”
“Maybe. Probably.”
Wow. When it came to personal relationships, Logan deserved an A+. Sadie clung to her job and the constancy it provided, even knowing it drove a wedge between her and her father, not to mention her romantic relationships. But Logan? He’d loved his late wife enough to consider walking away from his passion—being a ranger.
Suddenly, it became crystal clear. He’d meant it when he’d said he couldn’t commit emotionally. Physically, he was ready. But emotionally, he was still in love with his wife, the woman he would have risked everything for.
For him, this was just a fling—a friendly fling, but it ended there.
“But I’ll never know for sure,” he continued. “I didn’t have to make the call. Jane got sick and it was no longer a question. We needed the insurance to cover her care. Eighteen months later, the cancer won. My job was all I had left. Being with my team—there’s purpose in that. I know the war in Afghanistan is not popular, but I’ve seen firsthand what happens when you offer people freedom and hope. It comes at a cost, and only time will tell if it is worth it.”
“It is,” she said firmly. She was doing everything in her power to offer one little baby a bright future, but he’d tried to make that possible for thousands.
“I know. I believe in what we’re doing. I want to be with my team. After Jane died, I needed to get back to work. Watching someone you love die from cancer...”
The expression on his face was so distant; it was as if he’d returned to the moment when he’d lost his wife.
“I’d never felt so helpless. Sitting by her hospital bed, unable to do anything. None of the treatments did enough. She was too far along when they discovered the cancer. It was in her ovaries. After living through that, I needed to take action. I thought I was ready to be back on active duty. I thought I was handling the grief. But I wasn’t.”
