“Nine when I almost died for the first time. Ten when I was locked in the dungeons for refusing to torture someone whom I believed was innocent. So on and so forth until the present age of twenty-six.”
His gaze turned heavy on me. Teary. Heartbroken. “So I just wanted a few hours of normalcy before everything in my life went to shit yet again. And I had to see you first. I had to explain why I left and—” He looked down at his hands, twirling his thumbs around each other. “I just needed to see you.”
I stole his fidgeting palms, collapsing my much smaller ones around them.
“I just feel like—” He stopped himself and he threw his back down onto the mattress.
“Feel like what?” I asked, following him down.
He sighed, turning his head towardsme. “I pray that you never have to feel the way I do. That you never know what it's like to live a lifestyle such as mine. It's become all too natural to me. The fighting. Killing. Burying.” He looked dead into my eyes. “Don't get me wrong, I'd do it all day everyday if it meant keeping you and the kingdom safe. But…” He hesitated to continue, but I laid my hand over his, letting him know that it was okay. “The past few months have made me so numb to it all. None of it fazes me anymore. Stabbing a dagger through someone's chest…watching them cry as they plead for their life, begging for their mother. Stealing the last breath from their lungs—it doesn't affect me like it used to.”
My insides clenched at the darkness of his confession, reminding me of the things he's done. They didn't scare me, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't try hard not to think about them.
“I’ve spent my life fighting that part of me—the part that was born into battle, forced to do horrific things as a child. Then I rejected the crown and was thrown back into it even harder. Soon there will be no other choice but to accept that's just who I am.”
I sat up and rested my hands on my knees, looking straight ahead out the window as I tried to think of something to say. “Someday this will all be over and you'll be able to live again.” I told him the thing I’d been reminding myself of daily since the summer.
His lips curved up. “You told me that about yourself months ago.”
“It's true. Someday you'll spend your days in the archives. Always needing to wear your glasses because you’ll be working as a bookkeeper—the career you truly belong in.”
He chuckled, pulling me down and into his chest. “Someday you'll be tanning naked on a beach, soaking in the waves as the sun sets around you every evening,” he told me my own fantasy.
I smiled at the thought. I needed this reminder, too.
Someday I’d live again.
“Somedaywe’lllive again,” we said together.
Sebastian pressed his lips to my forehead. They were soft against my skin—comforting. “Do you want to stay the night?”
I did, but needed to be alone. So much had already happened since he'd been back, and the overwhelm of it all was closing in on me. Plus he needed a chance toactuallyrest.
I shook my head. “That's okay. You need to sleep, and if I stay I doubt you’ll get very much.”
Sebastian frowned. “I told you earlier that I doubted I'd get much, anyways.”
“No. It's okay, really. I think I'll just go back to my room and—” My throat constricted and I choked on my words as brutal realization struck me. Why did I think that Sebastian coming home would just suddenly solve all my problems?
Jocelyn was really dead, and Sawyer blamed me. The kingdom was on the brink of a war that was being expedited because ofme. Sebastian had become indifferent to killing, which was arguably my fault, too. Just hours ago, I had sex with the man I was in love with, but couldn't bring myself to tell him. I was being hunted by Draemornians for gemstones and powers that I never even wanted, and I had a prophecy hanging over my head that suggested my death.
It was too fucking much.
My breath pulled forcefully into my lungs, quaking under the pressure of my life.
“Goodnight,” I said, my voice already unsteady. My eyes started to burn. I could hardly breathe.
Sebastian studied me as I tried my hardest to hide the distress I felt. “Are you?—?”
“I'll see you in the morning.” I didn't give him a chance to coerce me into staying. I’d thought for sure he’d be the one who broke down tonight—turned out it was me.
Chapter
Thirty-Six
Sawyer was a master of avoidance. He hadn't so much as looked in mine or Sebastian's direction for nearly two weeks. He was in mourning—we all were. But instead of leaning on each other for support, Sawyer was holding a grudge over something not even the gods had control over.
“Let's get this over with,” Sebastian groaned, pushing open the door to his father’s study. We were a few minutes early, but he seemed to be lacking patience today.
