Page 134 of Commodity


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His ears are pointy.

“Here you go.” Sam hands a receiving blanket to Christine, and she wraps the baby up.

“He’s kind of a mess,” Marco says.

The baby stops crying once he’s swaddled in the blanket, and Katrina takes him from Christine’s arms and lays him across Hannah’s stomach. Hanna is still breathing hard, and tears are running down her face, but she’s smiling.

I have a son.

“He’s beautiful,” Hannah says with a sniff. The baby opens its eyes and stares up at Hannah’s face though he doesn’t seem to be able to focus very well. “You see, Falk? He looks just like you. He even has your eyes.”

He’s healthy. Hannah’s okay.

Christine takes the baby, and Katrina helps Hannah get back up on her hands and knees to deliver the placenta. I lean back against the bed and stare into space until Christine sits down beside me.

“Come on, Falk, you big dork! Hold out your arms so you can hold your son.”

I do as she says, and Christine lays the baby in my stiff arms. My throat seizes up. He weighs practically nothing. He’s so, so tiny. His fingers aren’t even as long as one of my knuckles. His nose is so small, I’m not convinced he can breathe out of it. He proves me wrong almost immediately as he lets out a strange cry.

“Did I fuck it up?” I ask.

Christine laughs.

“No, you did not ‘fuck it up,’” she says. “Just relax a little.”

I take a deep breath and try to relax my arms, but the baby keeps crying. I have no idea what I’m doing, but Christine is obviously wrong—I am fucking it up.

I hold the baby while Christine takes a sponge and cleans him off, but he keeps crying no matter what I do. Once the afterbirth has been delivered, Katrina gets Hannah onto the bed and propped up with a bunch of pillows.

“I already suck at this,” I tell her.

“It’s okay,” Christine says. “You just need a little practice to get used to it.”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to this,” I admit.

“You will.” She sounds so confident, so sure of her words.

I just shake my head.

Christine takes the baby back from me, and he quiets almost immediately. She lays him on a pillow draped over Hanna’s stomach, and he immediately goes right for her breast. I push myself to my feet and stand beside the bed. All I can do is stare at the two of them while Marco, Sam, and Christine start cleaning up the rest of the room.

“It’s good to get him nursing right away,” Katrina says. “I read that.”

It takes several tries, but eventually the baby gets a good grip. Hannah winces a little when he latches on, but then they both settle down. I slowly sit on the edge of the bed, and Hannah smiles up at me.

“Come over here,” she says, nodding to the spot next to her.

I scoot up next to them both, and Hannah leans over and kisses my cheek.

“Well,” she asks, “what do you think?”

“I don’t know.” It’s the only phrase I seem to be able to utter.

“Are you okay?” Marco asks.

I just shake my head.

“Daddy’s a little overwhelmed, I think.” Hannah giggles. She reaches over and wipes tears off my cheek.

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