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“I am glad to hear that.”
“I knew he was concerned. I knew he was worried about it. He prayed about it in the church all the time. I didn’t know we had so little time…”
“If Camden was in better health or the relationship with Hadebrand not so volatile…” The queen’s voice trailed off. She did not need to spell out how our circumstances would be different had Silverhelm not lost the war. It had not only decimated Branford’s army, but the conditions of Branford’s surrender—the concessions given to Hadebrand to ensure Silverhelm would not be razed—had allowed Edgar a strong voice in the court. Many who had not agreed with Edgar’s opinions before were now being swayed by him.
“He blames himself,” I said. “He pushed for the war when he was not ready for his enemy. He did not realize how many men Edgar had. Even when his own scouts told him of the numbers, he did not believe it.”
“He learned a valuable lesson,” Sunniva said, “at a very high cost.”
“He continues to pay the price for his mistake.”
“Yes, he does.”
“And now he pays the price for my failure,” I said quietly.
“Oh, Alexandra…my child,” the queen whispered as she held me. “I have been told God has His reasons and His plans for us though we may never understand them ourselves. Perhaps He tests your love for each other or your love of Silverhelm.”
I tried to take a slow, deep breath, but it remained ragged.
“What if I fail this test?”
“I have faith in you,” Sunniva said as she held me tighter. “I have faith in you both.”
The Queen of Silverhelm stayed with me for some time before she went back to her own chambers at my insistence. Though I finally slept, my sleep was not restful, and I awakened many times. Each time my eyes opened, I would look carefully around the dark room for Branford, but he was never there. As the hour grew later, I became concerned. I had assumed he would return quickly.
I wanted him to return quickly. I did not want to think about how long he would be with her. At the same time, I also didn’t want him to return to me at all in the night because I was frightened of the state he may be in when he did return. He could be angry or worse, and I was not sure if I could soothe him this time.
My husband had always turned to me when he was distressed. Whether because another spy had been found trying to infiltrate the new army he tried to recruit, or because of his adopted father’s failing heath, Branford found solace in my body. Sometimes his anger would lead him to take me forcefully, and his hard muscles and quick thrusts would have me crying out his name as his fury raced through me. Other times he would hold me close to him, slowly moving in and out as he held me and whispered softly how much he needed me.
What would become of that now? Would he seek Hadley in those times instead with the hope she would become with child more quickly?
The thought sickened me.
As the hour grew impossibly late, I could not contain myself any longer and went looking for him. Amarra jumped from her cushion by the fire and followed me as I went searching for Branford. I did not get far before someone else found me instead.
“My lady?” I heard the familiar step combined with the thump of a crutch and turned to find Dunstan approaching.
“Hello, Dunstan,” I replied. “It is very late.”
“I was going to say the same to you,” Dunstan replied. “It is too late for you to b
e out on your own. Sir Branford would not be pleased to see you about at such an hour.”
“It is Sir Branford I am trying to find,” I said.
“I thought you might,” Dunstan said. His eyes were full of worry.
“You have seen him,” I stated.
“Yes, my lady.”
“Where is he?”
“He was in the garden some time ago,” Dunstan said, “but he left when I…when I tried to help.”
“Was he hurt?”
Dunstan shook his head.
