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I’m not looking at her, so I don’t know if the question surprises her or not. When she answers, she’s cautious, almost ashamed. “We broke up before I went away. We weren’t together when you and I . . . well . . .”
“And you came back here and picked up where you left off.” I try not to sound bitter. It’s none of my business, really, and I have no right to be annoyed.
“Pretty much,” she says with a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry . . . I . . .”
“You have nothing to apologize for,” I tell her quickly, not wanting her to think I’m suffering, that I think I have claim to her. “We had a one-night stand. It happens. When I came here, I really didn’t think I’d see you. And I didn’t think you’d be sitting around waiting for me either.” I grow quiet while I think something over. “If we hadn’t run into Nick, would you have told me about him?”
Now I turn my head to see her answer. The water whisks me to one side so I can only glance at her for a second, but she looks pained. “You know what,” I say quickly. “Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t really matter, does it?”
A loaded silence hangs over us, lower and more oppressive than the cave ceiling.
Finally she says, “I wish things were different.”
I can’t help but let out a laugh. “Me too. But you know what? I’m glad I came. I’m glad I’m here.”
“Really?” she asks.
“Really,” I say with a nod. “Though I do have to ask . . . why the hell are you going out with such a dicknugget?”
She snorts but she seems more shocked than amused. “Excuse me,” she says indignantly.
“Sorry,” I say. “I know he’s your boyfriend and all, but you can do a hell of a lot better, Gemma.”
“And I suppose you’re volunteering for the job.”
“If there was a position available, yes,” I tell her and let the word position sink in.
She’s quiet again before she says, “He’s not my boyfriend, you know.”
“Fine. Your fuck buddy is a—”
“Josh,” she warns. “It’s just the way things are.”
“And I don’t understand it.”
“Because you don’t know me,” she says, rather bitingly.
It doesn’t hurt, because I suppose it’s the truth. But it sure makes me feel like a fucking idiot.
I guess not, I think. I guess the girl I met in Vancouver was someone else. I guess you were just a ghost, just a figment of my imagination, another drawing from my sketchbook.
But I don’t want to play that role, go that route, be that guy, not here in the dark where everything seems deeper than it is.
“Well,” I measure my words out carefully, “I would like to know you.”
I wait for her to shut me down, but instead she says, “Okay.”
“Oy, guys!” Nick’s voice carries toward us, and as we round a bend we can see another cavern up ahead with a smattering of bobbing headlights gathered near the entrance. We shut up and let the current run us into the group.
Nick narrows his eyes at us suspiciously while Amber looks relieved.
“I’m so sorry, Josh, I was trying to hold on,” she says, although she looks all right. They all do—happy to see us but having fun of their own.
Blair gives us an enthusiastic smile and the thumbs-up sign while he holds on to the edge of the wall. “Right on, you made it.” He looks to everyone else. “Okay, we’re about to go into another cavern. It’s not as wide as the previous one but it’s just as pretty. I’m going to get you to stay together as we go into it, so try hooking your legs under the next person’s arms instead of over the shoulder, for more traction. You won’t separate as easily. But after the cavern, we’ll need to break apart—the cave gets so low that you’ll need to place your hands along the roof to push yourself along. It will feel like a coffin for a few minutes and you could hit your head. But that’s why we have helmets, aye?”
Oh great. Who doesn’t love being in a coffin?
This time when we hook back together, I don’t massage her legs or squeeze them. I just hold on, and after the brilliant blue glow of the cavern subsides and fades away, like stars disappearing at dawn, I let go of her for good.
The rest of the trip did in fact include a portion where it felt like I was in a coffin. If I really started to think about where I was and what I was doing, I nearly flipped the fuck out. I mean, I had to lay flat back and there were still only a few inches between my body and the roof of the cave.
But eventually the cave opened up again and there came a few times when we had to leave one cave system and climb into another by way of a ladder and drop in over a small waterfall in our inner tube. My hips are so narrow I nearly sank right through my tube once I crashed into the water but I managed to stay afloat. Thank god for my broad shoulders.
I don’t know how many hours we were underground but we eventually emerged into a fern grotto, climbing out of the dark and into the light, which even though it had grown overcast, was extra blinding. We all blinked at it like newborns in a strange new world.
Once we were done, we were allowed to use their showers before getting back into our regular clothes. Being dry never felt so good. Then we were treated to a bowl of homemade tomato soup and a bagel, but to be honest, all I wanted to do was drink a gallon of beer.
