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“Matthew,” I said again, even quieter than the first time. “He’d be nine now.”
As the revelation hit me, I lost my balance and dropped on my ass in the dirt between them. A muted stab of pain went up through my tailbone, and the shock of it overwhelmed the rest of my senses. My body convulsed once, and I ended up half flopped over my bent legs. I reached out, my right palm on the grave of my son I never knew, and the left on his mother’s stone—the girl who never had a chance.
I sobbed.
Anguished, terrifying cries rose up into the warm sunshine.
I had no idea how long I was there, or at what point I quieted and realized Erin was there next to me, her hand resting gently on my shoulder.
“I need Tria.” My words were so choked, I could barely understand myself.
“Of course you do,” Erin replied quietly. “Let’s go find her.”
Instead of leading me to the car, Erin took me to the office near the front of the cemetery. There was a small area with a desk and a chair and a room off to one side. Tria was there, sitting on a couch and waiting for me with the Big Bag of Horrors at her feet.
I glanced at Erin, who nodded once.
“She’ll take you home when you’re ready,” my counselor said. She and Tria exchanged a quick glance, and then Erin was gone.
I stumbled toward her as she stood up and helped me to the little couch. I wrapped my arms around her. I was probably holding her too tightly, but I couldn’t bring myself to loosen my grip.
“I’m not going to fail you,” I told her. “I swear…I won’t.”
“You didn’t fail, sweetheart,” she whispered. “You were just a kid.”
I wasn’t going to argue—I didn’t have the energy. All I seemed able to do was hold onto Tria and try to keep my focus on how her fingers felt as they moved over my cheek, up my neck, and through my hair.
“I love you,” I whispered. “I’ll never, never let anything happen to you.”
“I know you won’t,” Tria replied. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you, either. I love you, Liam. So much…”
We clung to each other—Tria’s hand against my cheek and my arms wrapped tightly around her—and I listened to her breathing for the longest time. It was soothing and peaceful, like the slow rhythm of my heart in my chest. I remembered the sound of the baby’s heartbeat when we were first at the doctor’s and moved my hand down to Tria’s stomach.
“I want to believe what you said,” I told her.
“What I said about what?” Tria asked.
“That…that you’re all right. That you’re going to be all right.”
“I will,” Tria said. “I promise, everything will be okay.”
I squeezed my eyes shut as my mind rebelled against the very notion of making such an illogical promise. No one could make a guarantee like that. There were buses just waiting to run over people. There were planes that could fall from the sky. There were tidal waves that could suddenly form in the middle of the river and drown us all.
“I want to believe you.” I looked up into her face. “I’m going to try to believe you.”
*****
Work remained good, for the most part. When I was left alone to sit at my workbench and set stones, the day went by fairly smoothly and quickly. The stones were cheap, but I still felt bad when I broke a few of them as I was relearning how to mold the metal into the right setting for the stone.
I mostly did rings, and I felt like a total shit for never giving Tria one. I was going to have to do something clever about that, but I wasn’t sure what it was going to be. I knew I wanted to make her something, but I’d have to pay for the materials, and I didn’t have the spare cash.
I selected a smaller sized bur and began to carve out the metal to fit the shape of the fire agate sitting next to me on the table. Just as I was getting ready to set the stone, the guy who swept up after-hours came over to me.
“You look really familiar,” the dude said. “I know I’ve seen you before.”
The guy had a greasy mullet and thinning goatee. He did pretty much fit the description of the usual Feet First clientele, so I wouldn’t have been too surprised if he knew who I was. I tried to shrug him off, but the guy wouldn’t take a hint.
“I just have one of those faces,” I replied with a half smile.
