“I—it’s hard to explain. But some—some stuff has happened. Some stuff you need to prepare for.”
The jars tittered from the shelf across from me.What an understatement!
My mother was only half listening. There was commotion behind her. “It’s Natalie,” I heard her say. “I’m talking to Natalie.” Then she was back with me, saying, “Sorry, dear: Brandon was just looking for the peanut butter. These preteens with their hunger pangs! Now tell me again what’s going on?”
I stared at the wall. “People are lying to me, Mama. Family members. I can feel it. I can—I canseeit.”
There was silence.
“Well,” my mother said softly. “I certainly didn’t want you to find out this way.”
I paused. “What?”
“I’m not surprised you sensed this, Nattie. I’m sure I’ve been acting … different.”
She hadn’t been, not at all—or if she had, I hadn’t noticed.
She went on. “I’ve been seeing a therapist, and she encouraged me to tell you girls …” She let out a fluttery, nervous breath. “Well. Listen. I only told Abigail first because she was in the house, we see each other so much!”
“Just tell me!” I said too loudly. My voice echoed in the pantry.
“It’s about your father.”
My heart rate quickened. I whispered, “What do you mean, my father?”
“Well, you know how he’s”—and here she lowered her voice to a whisper that matched mine—“not dead.”
I stared tensely at nothing. “Yes, Mother. I know how he’s not dead.”
“The thing is, Natalie,” she said, and paused again. Breathed in sharply through the phone, then spoke through a rushing exhale: “He didn’t leave because he cheated. He left because I cheated.”
I didn’t understand. She wasn’t making sense. “What are you saying?”
“I was bored, all right? That’s the God’s honest truth: I was bored. I wish I had a better reason, but I don’t. One of the lawyers in the office—his name was Dan, you wouldn’t ever have met him, he transferred to the Boise office after all the … the mess—well, he knew how to salsa dance. Salsa! You should’ve seen the way his feet moved, and his hands …”
She was breathing heavily now, either from the effort of confession or the memory of Dan’s salsa hands. “I cheated on your father,” she said again, “and when he found out, he wanted to stay, to work it out, and I told him to leave. And once he was gone, I realized I liked it better. Being alone. And so I figured if I told you girls I was technically still married, then you wouldn’t ever pressure me to get remarried.”
I was speechless.
“I’ve held a lot of guilt over this,” she went on firmly, “and I’m terribly, terribly sorry for deceiving you girls. It wasn’t right. But”—and here she took another deep swell of breath, as if shoringherself up for what was next—“I also don’t regret it. Not at all. And I know how you’re probably feeling. But I spoke to Ben about it—”
“Ben, like Abigail’sboyfriend? Why?”
“Well, honey. He’s a pastor. He has the ear of God. And do you know what he did when I told him?”
“No.” It was becoming quite clear to me that I would hate Pastor Ben if I met him.
“He took my hands firmly in his, and he said God loves me anyways. And he thanked me for raising Abigail to be such a strong, loving woman. And I thought—well, I thought that was very nice of him to say.” She paused to clear her throat. When she spoke again, her voice was lighter, more conversational. “They’re going to Sun Valley next weekend, just the two of them. A skiing weekend! How fun. Ben planned the whole thing. I think he’s just about the nicest man I’ve ever met. You should see Abigail when they’re together. She’s smitten.”
My eyes were unseeing in the darkness. As if my life could get any worse at this moment, it was now abundantly clear to me that a consortium of liars and scammers had conspired to brainwash my sister and mother. A woman therapist, a modern pastor. Snake oil salesmen, both of them: encouraging divorce, sanewashing infidelity.
“These people are taking advantage of you, Mother,” I said quietly. “They’re mining your weaknesses. It’s so obvious. You’ve always been too nice.”
There was a long silence here.
I expected my mother to hem and haw, to say,Oh, Nattie, it’s nothing like that.But then she did something altogether different. She said slowly, and with obvious discomfort, “Do you know what, Natalie? I—I don’t think I am too nice. In fact, I’m very proud of how nice I am. I think it’s a good thing. And if I’m being honest, I’m very disappointed with hownot niceyou are.”
“Mother! You have no idea how hard things are right now, and if you would justlisten tome—”
