AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Maybe for you,” Raine agreed, “but what kind of questions and comments do you think I get when you do something like that?”
I hadn’t thought about it. Once I left, everything that happened afterward had never really concerned me before. I wondered what Lindsay and Nick had to say after I took off and how Raine responded.
“I spend enough time trying to get them to understand you,” she said. “When you do something like that, I can’t defend your actions. It just gives them more justification when they start telling me I ought to get rid of you.”
I secured my grip on her clothing as a wave of panic crashed over me. It was just one more thing my selfish ass hadn’t considered. Of course Lindsay would be telling her to dump me, and Nick would be right behind her. They probably had another guy already picked out as a better suitor for Raine, and he probably hadn’t killed anyone lately.
“What did they say?” I growled. She had known Lindsay since they were kids. Raine was bound to listen to whatever advice Lindsay had to offer. The thought kick-started my paranoia.
“It doesn’t matter,” Raine said. “I’m not going anywhere, Bastian.”
I relaxed slightly, but the idea of Raine with someone else continued to terrify me.
“That doesn’t stop them from saying I should, though. When you behave like that, it makes it a lot harder to explain to them why I love you.”
The tension inside me began to build again, and I fought against the desire to tell her all the reasons she shouldn’t have anything to do with me. Her friends were probably right, but I felt like I was looking out over the proverbial cliff, and if I opened my mouth to say what I was thinking, I was going to fall.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered instead.
Raine moved her hand up into my hair and held my head against her shoulder. Closing my eyes, I tried to understand the shit that was going through my head, but as usual, I couldn’t make anything of it. My brain just didn’t work right, which I realized was the problem.
“I know there’s something seriously wrong with me inside,” I said quietly. “I can’t deny it.”
“Bastian-”
“Let me finish,” I said quickly. If I didn’t get it out now, I never would. “This isn’t about not being worthy of you or whatever—there’s more to it than that. There is something wrong with me, and don’t tell me you don’t know that.”
I paused, but she didn’t interject.
“I don’t know that I can control those…those urges. There’s a need inside of me to lash out. It’s so fucking deep, and I can’t explain it; I just know it’s there. As far back as I can remember, it’s always been there.”
“Sometimes you do okay,” Raine said. “You do all right when John Paul is around.”
“That’s different. He doesn’t ask those kinds of questions.”
“So you feel comfortable around him.”
“Yeah, I guess so. Most of the time.”
“Why is that?” she asked.
Well, fuck if I knew. It just was.
“He’s…he’s always been there for me.”
“And what? You don’t think Lindsay and Nick care?”
“They care about you, not me.”
“That’s not fair,” she said. “They’ve both tried to get along with you. You aren’t very receptive.”
“It’s fake,” I said. “They do it for you, not me. It’s kinda hard to take their shit seriously when it’s all an act.”
“How do you know that?”
“I can just tell, okay?” I snapped. “It’s like knowing when a chick is faking an orgasm; if she’s not clenching down on my cock, she’s not coming.”
And just like that, I was back to being a dick again.
