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“Now I have to rethink all of this.” Nora reclaims her place on the couch, turns to face me, and leans forward. She places her hands on my thigh and leans close enough that I can feel her breath on my face. “Look into my eyes so I know what you’re thinking!”
“For fuck’s sake, Nora.” I roll my eyes, but she grabs my chin and turns me toward her. I scowl and grit my teeth.
“All of this started as a plot, yes?”
“Yes.”
“But it’s not anymore, is it?”
I swallow hard.
“Ho-ly shit!” Nora shakes her head, a wide smile on her face. “Is that why you didn’t sleep with her?”
“There was only one time we came close,” I admit. “It was our first date, and I didn’t want to move too fast. I didn’t want to ruin it.”
“But you’ve had other opportunities since then, right?”
“I’ve tried to avoid going into her apartment with her. Tonight, if she had stayed over…I don’t know. Maybe.”
“You really don’t want to fuck it up. You want this to actually work, like for real, not just because it’s your duty.” My far too intuitive sister, who knows me far too well, looks far too smug for her own good.
All my doubts and insecurities creep in, and I realize I have no idea what I’m doing. Even as I plot and scheme and lie, the guilt has been threatening to overwhelm me, but I’ve managed to ignore it. I’ve managed to deny it. Now my sister is calling me out on it, and I’m simply not prepared.
I’m not supposed to be feeling this way.
“I was trying to figure out what to say to her when I dropped her off,” I say quietly. “I knew I needed to make it good. I needed the night to end on a high note. I wasn’t sure, but I thought she’d be drawn to our large family, and I was right. She’s been deprived of that kind of relationship her whole life, and she craves it. I knew it was a perfect time to seal the deal, but I wasn’t sure what I should say to her.”
“And what did you say?” Nora asks when I don’t continue.
“I…I didn’t work it out in my head before I said it. The words just…just came out on their own. I didn’t think. I just…”
“Spoke from the heart?” Nora’s voice has lost all of its harshness, sarcasm, and contempt.
“I thought I knew what I was doing,” I whisper as I put my head in my hands. “Now…now I’m…”
“Now you’re still afraid to fuck it up but for a completely different reason.”
I try to breathe steadily, but it’s becoming more difficult. Everything Nora is saying rings true, and the whole idea makes me nervous. This isn’t how I planned all of this, and the idea of changing course now is unfathomable.
“You know, baby brother—”
“Don’t call me that.”
“—you might be a romantic at heart after all.”
“That’s adorable, Nora. Really.” I sigh as I look up from my hands. “Please enlighten me more.”
“I will.”
“That was supposed to be rhetorical.”
“Too bad.” She grins as she looks me up and down for a minute. “When you take away all the bullshit and bravado, you’re actually a good catch, Nate. If I can see that, she will too. Stop playing all these games, and just be you. Sit her down and tell her everything. If she’s the right one, she can handle it, and you won’t be left with a heaping pile of Catholic guilt weighing you down for the rest of your life.”
I close my eyes and shake my head. Maybe Nora’s right. She suddenly reaches out and grabs my chin, tilting my head towards her.
“You need some sleep,” she says. “Are you sleeping well?”
“Not at all,” I admit.
