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“Then that accounts for it. In the civilized countries, I believe there are no witches left; nor wizards, nor sorceresses, nor magicians. But, you see, The Land of Oz has never been civilized, for we are cut off from all the rest of the world…”
I think to myself about the irony of that line. For I too, know of a place similar to Oz…
Tillie
I wake the next morning to the scent of cedar, leather, and soap surrounding me, with familiar tattooed arms and a hand possessively wrapped around my upper thigh. Nate has me curled into his chest like a baby. I slowly inch up until I see his face tilted back, asleep with his hoodie completely covering his eyes and nose. I slowly wrench myself out of his grip, before my eyes come to everyone who was asleep in here last night awake and watching us.
I divert my gaze and slip off his lap quickly, no longer scared to wake him.
Madison is crying again.
I rake my fingers through my hair and grab the almost empty bottle of Jack that’s on the floor, taking a sip.
“Leave it alone.”
They all stay silent. I slowly stumble my way into the kitchen. I know that I should tidy myself up, but why. What’s the point of putting makeup on if my grief is just going to wash it off. There is one thing I want to tackle before the burial. I need to box up her belongings and I’d rather do it sooner than later. Like ripping off a band-aid, only so I can spill my blood all over the floor for everyone else to see.
Elena comes into the kitchen. “Hi, honey. Would you like some coffee?”
I shake my head, my fingers clenching around the bottle.
Her eyes find the movement, but she offers me a small smile instead of judgment. “Very well.”
“I was hoping to box up her belongings today if that’s okay. If I’m going to be out of here by tomorrow, I’d like to get this part out of the way now. While I’m feeling brave enough to do it, at least. I know after today I won’t be feeling very brave.”
Elena pauses, her eyes are rimmed bright red and the dark circles that are indented under them have intensified. “You don’t have to leave, Tillie. You will always be family.”
“I appreciate all that you have done for M—us. I do. Thank you. But there’s no need for me to be here anymore.” I know I have no family. Nowhere to live. I leave that out though because despite it all, I know what I have to do. I also know that what I’m about to do is going to change the course of the way things go from here on out.
Elena doesn’t fight it. She nods and carries on, off to find the boxes I need. Once she’s gone, I shove my phone into my back pocket, push my hair into a high messy ponytail and tread my way over to the pool house.
I stop at the bottom of the steps. My heart pounding in my chest. Good to know it’s still there.
Slowly, I take the steps up until I’m face-to-face with the front door. My hand comes to the handle and I twist it open, stepping inside and flicking on the lights.
I suck in a breath and hold it in.
One.
My eyes fly around the room. The room that still has the innocent smell of baby powder swimming in the particles in the air. Two. My eyes go to her crib. Images flash through my brain of how I found her. Then they drop to the blood on the floor from when I cut myself open. Three. My hand comes to the bandage instantly. I look to the small clothes, the baby bag, the toys. Four.
Five. I let out my breath at five, taking a step backward. It is interfered with when I crash into a hard body.
Spinning around with tears pouring down my face, I find Nate, searching my face.
“I hate you. I fucking hate you, Tillie. But I’m going to be here for you until she’s gone because I know that this is about her right now.” He side-steps around me, entering the bedroom. “I’m not doing this alone.”
I don’t want him to. Even though I don’t understand why he hates me so much right now—even more than before—I enter the room and slam the door shut behind myself. He hits the sound dock on and scrolls through his phone until a random song starts playing. He turns it up. Loud. The walls shaking from the music, then he takes his hoodie off and starts picking up all of her stuff in the room.
I understand why he put the music on so loud. It’s to drown out our emotions so we can do what we need to do. I appreciate it. I exhale a shaky breath and get started on cleaning up the blood. Once that’s done, I start folding her blankets from her crib, the tears falling down my face now a constant waterfall. They don’t stop. “Lost in Paradise” by Evanescence starts playing and I have to fight the urge to change the song. I quickly fold the blankets up and put them in a box and then start taking the crib down while Nate rummages around the room in speeds so fast I barely catch what he’s doing.
