Connor nodded and left. Briar sat up, his head swimming. With the heels of his hands, he pressed at his eyes to stymie the threat of tears. Vatii hopped into his lap, and he gathered her up in his arms. Her little body weighed next to nothing, her heart fluttering fast in her chest. This prognosis was as much hers as his. If he died, she’d go with him.
She nibbled at the ends of his hair.
He had months to live. Anything could have affected the curse. Stress. Insomnia. Briar had them in great supply, but he had something else looming over him too, and now he couldn’t avoid it any longer.
He was never meant to fall for Rowan. Linden was the man with the mask, the man with a heart of stone that would turn golden, the man with all the connections to Pentawynn, fashion, and the success Briar longed for. The man searching for acure. He’d deviated from that path.
Something else burned deeper beneath all those things: he’d come to rely too heavily on Rowan. Rowan, who fed him and kept him warm and supported him through the burnt-out wreck of his weeks leading up to Christmas. He’d come to count on it, and that dependence terrified him more than the curse. What became of you when you built the brick and mortar of your life on the support of a single person? Briar knew. He’d sat in the rubble left to him after that support strut cracked once before. Briarcouldn’t let Rowan be that strut, but moreover, he didn’t want to be that strut for Rowan either. Only to die six months later.
Rowan was waiting to see him. He’d want to know what had happened, and Briar couldn’t very well hide it. But there was somethingelsehe would have to tell Rowan, and thinking back to their kiss in the snow, this alone made his chest burn.
He took a stabilizing breath. He set Vatii down in his lap and stroked her feathers. She understood without speaking what he was preparing for.
A soft rap at the door. Connor poked his head in. “Are you ready to see anyone, or do you need more time?”
“No, it’s fine. I’m fine.”
Connor nodded and shut the door. Moments later, it burst open. The room filled with the breadth of Rowan and his calming aura, though he himself was not calm. He moved swiftly to the chair Connor had vacated. Worry furrowed his brow and drove his hands to flutter aimlessly. He looked to the shut door and back, then put one hand to Briar’s cheek.
All the grief Briar had stuffed down threatened to spill out. He wanted to hold Rowan’s hand. He wanted whatever last scraps of comfort could be had, but knowing what was to come, couldn’t take them. It wasn’t fair.
“Are you all right?” Rowan asked.
“I’m fine.” His lack of dramatics proved it a lie.
“Briar.”
He raised his eyes to meet Rowan’s. How could he say it? He didn’t want to believe it. The words tasted like copper and iron as he summoned them and held them behind clenched teeth, as if chewing on them might soften the blow. When he did say it, he saw the words sink in one at a time in the splintered look on Rowan’s face, and that feeling was mirrored in his own heart.
“I’m dying.”
Like his lungs had collapsed, the air punched from them, Rowan doubled back against the chair. He took a moment to absorb it.
Briar couldn’t bear the silence. “Remember how I said my mother died?”
Rowan nodded.
“It was the kind of curse that gets passed on. I have it.” The rest of the words he squeezed out from the narrowing passage of his throat. “I don’t have a lot of time left.”
“How much time?”
“Months.”
Rowan slouched forward, elbows on his knees, and he wiped at his face like he could smother all the feelings worn on it. Even in his most open moments, Briar couldn’t be sure he’d ever seen Rowan look so untethered. He took Briar’s hand in both of his.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want it to change anything.”
He expected Rowan to push for more of an answer, but he didn’t. Perhaps it was that he, too, lived with some dark, unnamed magic that made him understand. This sort of magic meant people kept their distance. Only Rowan wore it like armor he couldn’t shed.
“What can I do?” Rowan said.
“Do?”
“To help. To stop it.”
Briar felt hollow telling him the answer. “Nothing.”
