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I feel myself blushing. “Oh, of course. I wasn’t planning to do that . . . any time soon.”
“Oh, shit,” Keane says, scrutinizing me. “You’ve never gotten The Sure Thing working for you, have you?”
Damn.
I’m a terrible liar.
Always have been.
It practically killed me when I lied to these guys about my supposed sexual exploits with my fake girlfriend in high school. And I really don’t want to go through that again. I’m a grown man now. Done with lying about anything. Plus, if it turns out Alessandra picks me as her first, then I’d kick myself if I didn’t use this amazing think tank to get the best possible advice. “Um. That’s correct. I’ve never figured out The Sure Thing.”
“Dude!” Keane says. “I’ve got an entire video on it!”
Ryan puts up his hand. “Stop, Peenie. The Sure Thing isn’t what he should be focusing on right now.” He looks at me. “All you need to worry about is making sure you know how to ring her bell, the good old-fashioned way, no matter what. You can do that, right?”
“No matter what?”
“Right. Every time. Without fail. No matter what.”
I open my mouth, like I’m going to speak, and then close it. And I guess that’s enough to answer Ryan’s question in the negative.
Everyone around me sighs like a whole bunch of disappointed dads.
“Aw, come on,” I say. “You guys are honestly able to get your women to reach the finish line every single time you have sex or fool around?”
They all say some version of “yes” and “every fucking time.”
“But couldn’t they be faking it sometimes?” I ask innocently. And I swear, by their reactions, I might as well have asked if their women sneak off in the middle of the night to suck other guys’ cocks.
“Sorry,” I say. “Calm down.” I rake my hand through my hair. “What do I know? I’ve never had a girlfriend! I’ve never had the pleasure of getting to know one woman and what works best for her. I’ve never had the chance to practice my skills! It’s hard to figure women out! They’re complicated, especially when, to be perfectly honest, it’s often abundantly clear I wasn’t their first choice. Sometimes, it’s like they’re going through the motions with me—closing their eyes and pretending I’m someone else. So, it’s no wonder I don’t feel some kind of white-hot electricity, and neither do they.”
There’s a long silence.
I suddenly feel vulnerable.
Like I’ve admitted too much.
Colin says, “What about that girlfriend you had in high school—the one who lived near your dad?”
I rub my face and exhale. “She didn’t exist. I was a virgin until we went to London, right before the RCR tour.”
Colin and Dax look at each other . . . and smile.
“We already knew that, Fish,” Dax says. “Sorry you felt like you had to lie to us. That sucks.”
“But thanks for finally unburdening your conscience and coming clean,” Colin adds with a snort.
I’m aghast. “You knew? How?”
Colin scoffs. “Well, first off, you can’t lie to save your life, Fish Filet. It’s one of the best things about you. You always wear your heart on your sleeve.”
“And, second off,” Dax interjects. “When you burst out of that hotel room in London the following morning, you were singin’ a happy tune, son. Like nothing I’d heard ya sing before.”
Colin laughs. “You were fucking yodeling, dude.”
Everyone laughs.
“Why didn’t you tell me you knew?” I ask.
Dax shrugs. “We knew why you lied. There was no reason to rub salt in the wound.”
I shake my head. “That girl in London wasn’t even that amazing an experience, looking back. I knew she was settling for me. But I was so relieved to finally get that monkey off my back, I didn’t even care. But now, I do. I want to be with someone who genuinely wants to be with me. And that’s Alessandra. She’s amazing, guys. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. So, if it turns out I get to be her first, I want to make it perfect for her. Magical.”
“You know what you should do?” Josh says, out of nowhere. “Talk to Kat about this.”
“To Kat?” I echo. This dude wants me to talk to his wife about sex?
Josh nods. “Sex is literally her favorite topic. Look, you want to know how we get our women off? We’ll send you links to some books to read and some videos to watch. Chief among them, those early ‘Ball Peen Hammer’ videos. Some of them are damned good.”
“Thank you,” Keane says proudly.
“But if you want to know what would make a woman’s first time special and magical, then you’re going to have to ask a woman. And, trust me, there’s no better woman in the world to ask than my wife.”
I look across the patio at Kat. “Do you think she’d be willing to talk to me about this?”
