Page 68 of Now or Never

“You told your mom about the place next door?” he asks.

“I did. She’s thrilled,” I say. “We can tell the others tomorrow. Today is all Dixie. I don’t want to steal the bride’s spotlight. She might beat me with her bouquet.”

He chuckles at that but the grin he’s wearing now is all about our new house. He’s so excited we did this—together. I am too, but it feels incredibly surreal right now. Like I can’t believe it. That will change next month when we get to move in. I hadn’t expected to buy a place with him. When winter hit, I asked the family if Holden and I could stay in the cottage for the season. They agreed. No one asked us to pay rent, just utilities, so we both ended up saving a ton of cash. With tons of word-of-mouth referrals, Holden’s company was really taking off. In January, I became a substitute teacher at Thornton Academy, taking over a math class and science class for a teacher on maternity leave. I adore the school and they offered me a full-time, permanent position in the fall. I’m sure no one would mind if we stayed in the cottage indefinitely, but it’s the family’s house and we both were feeling the need to have a space just our own. We had decided to move his trailer back to the seasonal park he had it in last year and spend the summer there, but then the neighbor decided to sell. It was too perfect to ignore.

I turn away from the mirror, ready to go downstairs and help Dixie finish getting ready for her big day, when I notice Holden has opened his bedside table drawer and is pulling something out of it. It’s wrapped in pretty paper covered in bluebirds. He gives me a tentative smile. “I did something for you. For our new place.”

I smile and take the package from him. He looks kind of nervous. I tear the paper away and stare at my dad’s letter, in a sleek, simple cherry wood frame. “I didn’t read it or anything,” he explains nervously. “I noticed that it was getting tattered just sitting on your bedside table.”

I fight back tears. “This is the sweetest thing you could have done for me. I love it.”

I drop down on the bed beside him and kiss him quickly before dropping my head onto his shoulder. I look at the letter, take a deep breath, and read it out loud for the first time ever.

My sweet Winona Skye,

My first daughter. When you were born, I was absolutely terrified. I grew up with brothers, and then I had a son, but you…with your big hazel eyes and your perfect dimpled chin, you were six delicate pounds that I didn’t know what to do with. The first time I held you, you wailed like a banshee, your arms flailing. In panic, I tried to give you back to your mom, but you suddenly wrapped your little fingers around my pinkie and went completely silent. Our eyes locked and I swear you and I were making a promise—a pinkie swear—to always just be there. Just being there would be enough. If you’re reading this letter, then I can no longer be there for you, and I’m sorry for that. I wanted it to be different.

But I’m so grateful for the time we did have. I watched you grow into a beautiful, bright, kind, strong woman…but I never got to see you realize it yourself. This is not a criticism, sweetheart. You were getting there, but my illness threw everything and everyone off track. But now…now I need you to do something for me, Win. I need you to get right back on track. Do not let my absence stop you.

Go after what you want, and know you deserve it. You deserve love and light and laughter, Winnie. You deserve joy. I haven’t seen joy in your eyes for a very long time—even before I got sick. You tend to play it safe. You sometimes don’t trust your gut. You wait. You hesitate. Stop that, and just go for it—whatever it is that inspires you, that motivates you, that brings you joy. Go for it. It’s now or never, sweet pea.

I love you. I believe in you.

Dad

When I look up, Holden’s silver-blue eyes are swimming in tears. I try to give him a stern stare. “Don’t you dare! I’ll lose it!”

He sniffs and clears his throat, rising off the bed. “Your dad knew what he was talking about.”

“He did,” I say, struggling not to let the tears fall.

“Win!” Sadie calls again.

I take a deep cleansing breath, put the frame on my bedside table and take Holden’s hand in mine. I look up at him as we open the door to our room. Sometimes, like now, I’m in awe of my life. Of this man, who loves me with his whole heart, in a primal way I never even knew was possible.

He kisses my forehead. “Time to watch Dixie and her crazy goalie get hitched.”

I manage to keep it together as Sadie and I walk down the aisle, one after the other, with our tiny bundles of lilacs and forget me not’s. I don’t blubber when Jude walks Dixie down the aisle, but he does—which I can’t wait to tease him about for the next ninety years. Dixie looks incredible in a formfitting antique lace dress as she glides toward Eli, who seems like he’s having a hard time not welling up as his brother, Levi, grins proudly beside him.

I expect to cry when she and Eli light the candle in memory of our dad, but I don’t. I look up at the bright blue sky above us and listen to the waves crash just a few feet away. I curl my bare feet into the warm sand and smile. He would be prouder than a peacock today.

At the reception, we gather in tents in the backyard and celebrate until the wee hours. I know my dad would be the last person on that dance floor if he were here. At around two in the morning, Holden and I wander back up to the beach and drop down in the sand, exhausted. He holds me as I nestle between his legs and rest my head on his chest.

“Thank you,” I say softly, not even sure he can hear me over the rolling tide, but he does.

“For what?”

“For letting me grieve but not letting me get stuck in it. For loving me, faults and all,” I say quietly.

“Are you kidding me?” Holden says. “Thank you for giving me a second chance. You’re my world, Winona.”

“You’re mine.”

I kiss him until I’m breathless. This man showed me how to find my way…and now, miraculously, we’re on this path together and I know, no matter what life throws at us, we’ll be okay because we’ll face it together.