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Wrapping my arms around myself, I headed for the road and started the long walk home. It was a three-mile walk, and even though I was uncomfortable between my legs, I needed the time to clear my head.
Tonight had shown me something I should have seen years ago. That even though I cared about Raider, he would never really return my feelings. He had gotten what he wanted, something he could easily find with a hundred different women. Crazily enough, I still loved him, which should have qualified me as certifiably insane.
It was what it was, though, and I had to face reality. Other than Colt and a few other close friends, there was nothing for me in Creswell Springs. It was time
to pack up and move on, literally and figuratively. I needed to put distance between me and this place, find somewhere I could put down roots, make a life for myself, and maybe, if I was lucky, I could find a man who would love me.
A man who maybe, just maybe, I could love more than I loved Raider.
That was a big dream, but a girl could hope.
With those plans firmly in mind, I started making mental lists of what I needed to do to be able to accomplish this new life I wanted.
By the time I got home, my heart still felt weighed down, but my head was clearer and I was ready to set everything into motion.
I was leaving Creswell Springs.
I was going to forget about Raider Hannigan.
As I climbed into bed, still in the clothes I had worn to the party, I rolled my eyes at my own hopeful musings. I would definitely be leaving, but it wasn’t likely that I would ever forget about Raider Fucking Hannigan.
Chapter 9
Kelli
I leaned against the wall outside of the Angel’s Halo MC’s clubhouse and glared up at the cloudless sky. The stars sparkled like little diamonds, making me want to take a load of C-4 to it. The saying that diamonds were a girl’s best friend was the stupidest thing anyone could have ever come up with. At least for this particular girl.
I hated anything that was shiny or sparkly. Diamonds or any other gems had been a big part of my mother’s life. Give her a pair of pretty earrings, and she was your best friend. Give her a diamond tennis bracelet, and she would forgive you anything.
No, I preferred the darkness, minus the glitter of the stars or a city skyline. I welcomed the shroud of emptiness that pressed into me like a physical caress, and hid me from the world and all the demons that swirled around in my head.
I could hear laughing in the distance, even a raised voice of a drunken biker who couldn’t find the keys to his hog. I figured one of the old ladies had stolen them off him, as they had been doing most of the night from those who were having a little too much fun. At least they cared about each other enough that they wouldn’t allow anyone to drink and drive.
I lifted a beer to my lips and took a thirsty swallow. Had it been one of the parties my mother had once made it her goal in life to host, I would have been sipping expensive strawberry champagne.
Of course, if this was one of those stupid-ass parties my mother had become famous for in her circle of friends, I wouldn’t have been hanging out with a group of bikers and their families. I would have been forced to wear a trendy little black dress with heels that killed my highly-arched feet, listening to some pompous old fart tell me how he had made his living dealing in blood diamonds or some shit.
I wouldn’t have just shoved one of the world’s best hot dogs into my mouth, curtesy of Aggie, who was the world’s best cook in my eyes, with a group of women who were just as badass as the men they belonged to. And I sure as fuck wouldn’t have just had wild, hot sex with the biker who had talked me into having a little fun in the little supply shed behind the clubhouse.
At just the thought of Colt and all the wonderfully naughty things he could talk me into doing, my body flushed with a need that had yet to be fully sated.
But with the burn of desire and a need that had started to consume every part of myself, came the guilt.
What the hell was I doing?
The problem was, I knew exactly what I was doing, and I would continue to do it until I was told my job here was over. Then I could go home.
I didn’t belong in Creswell Springs.
But it was starting to feel like home.
I didn’t belong to Colt Hannigan.
But a part of me wanted to. I couldn’t admit it out loud, not even to myself, but if things had been different, if we had been different people—if I was really the girl I was pretending to be—maybe I could have belonged to him.
As that thought floated through my head for what felt like the hundredth time, my phone buzzed in my back jeans pocket. My gut clenched at the sound, knowing who it would be. It was getting late, so I knew he would be checking in.
And I had no choice but to answer. Just as I had no choice about being in this part of California.
