I watched from the TV set in Ben’s apartment. We were supposed to be having a night in together, and he was ... getting irritated with me.
“If she was a dick to you, move on already,” he said. “Why keep dragging it out by watching her every move?”
“That isnotwhat I’m doing,” I said. “I just want to see if she wins.”
He said, “What do you care? What has she ever done for you?”
He wasn’t necessarily wrong, but if fame made Ryan selfish with her attention, it was because she had to be. It was all-consuming. Most of us don’t have jobs that center around us, ourselves, being a brand.
It had been clear to me when I saw Ryan’s billboard in Chinatown that she was becoming her own brand. She had been a brand for a long time.
“I won’t watch the whole thing, I just want to see what happens,” I sort of snapped at him. “Calm down.”
Ryan was still my friend. I knew she cared about my life even when she forgot to ask. So even though I was mad at her, even though we weren’t talking, part of me still wanted to cheer her on.
Plus, I got this weird thrill of vindication when I saw Kylie Cameron there with her on the screen.
Kylie
I got to be Ryan’s date to the AMAs that year! Well, a lot of that had to do with the fact that I had no one else to go with. And neither did she. Ryan was taking a break from all boys after the Justin fiasco. Even though she kept texting someone and hiding her phone, so I don’t know if there was a mysterious lover ...
The stylists got us ready together, and we blasted Socket Plug’s new album and laughed about our exes together. She put onEternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which I had somehow never seen before, but I was like, wow. That is a great movie.
I’d never been someone’sguestto an awards show. It was actually kind of fun not to be the center of attention for once. We had dinner together and took our seats and waited for the broadcast team to do their final check.
“Are you nervous?” I asked her.
She made a face. “Only about the fact that Helladonna is presenting my category,” she said.
Yeah. Oof.
Mari
Ben had made this whole penne alla vodka recipe and was dishing it up in the kitchen while they were counting the categories down. Ryan had already swept the Favorite Country Album category, which would be controversial, and Favorite Country Female Artist. It was the last time she won either of those categories.
I was standing in the living room with the remote in my hand; I told Ben I’d mute it while we were eating, but they were down to Favorite Duo or Group, and something in me couldn’t turn away. Icould hear him dishing up in the kitchen, and the clanging of the utensils sounded very pointed.
As I placed my thumb on the mute button, Helladonna walked onto the stage in this fiery-orange ballgown.
Helladonna
I said what I said. Did anybody disagree with me? No.
American Music Awards Broadcast,November 18, 2012
Helladonna: ... Thank you, thanks, everyone! Okay, it’s the part of the night y’all have been waiting for! I’m here to announce the 2012 American Music Awards Artist of the Year. Our nominees are: Victor!a. Lady Gaga. Ryan Holding. Tame J. And Rhianna. And the winner of the 2012 Artist of the Year is ...
[Helladonna opens the envelope, and her shoulders visibly slump. She rolls her eyes.]
Helladonna: Oh, come on. It’s Ryan Holding.
[The crowd breaks out in applause and jeers as the camera cuts away from Helladonna to Ryan, who looks uncertain. She walks to the stage amid the entrance music and awkwardly takes the pyramidal glass trophy from Helladonna. As the music swells, one more comment from Helladonna is audible:I’m just saying what we’re all thinking!Then Ryan stands at the mic, and the crowd grows silent.]
Ryan: I want to thank you all, but I also want to take a moment to say something important. I am not here to be belittled. I have been stalked, physically attacked, harassed, criticized, and made fun of, just for pursuing the career I love. That is what it is to be a woman in this industry. And for some twisted reason, so much of that hate comes from other women. From my peers. Helladonna ... I know you’ve beenthrough the same challenges. You’ve had a difficult year too. And I see and respect you. I only ask for the same thing in return.
[Ryan pauses to look down at the award in her hands.]
Ryan: It’s a privilege to be able to do this work, and I want to honor every artist here tonight who has fought tooth and nail to be in this room. I am with you. I celebrate you. Thank you for recognizing me too. Stand tall.
