It’s strange, but I knew what she meant. Standing there on Bay Road, it was like I was seeing Ryan again for the first time in a long time. The Ryan I used to know.
The path she had chosen for herself, the fans she had amassed, the media—it had built her up into something almost inhuman, more than human. She wasn’t just a cog but a full machine of her own creation, chugging along at full speed, unable to stop her own momentum. It was the billboard in Chinatown. It was the merchandise we churned out through marketing. It was the snap assumptions people made when they read any headline about her, misleading or not.
“Would you have been happier if we hadn’t left?” I asked after a moment.
“That’s the problem.” Ryan sighed. “I know that I wouldn’t have been.”
I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, shorter than her though I was. “Then you’re right where you should be,” I said.
When we got back to Frank’s shop and said goodbye, we all split up in separate cars to drive to Hathorne.
Listen, I thought Ryan was going to ride with me, but she got lost in the shuffle. And I didn’t know exactly where she was when I got a text from her that saidStopped to pick something upsoon after the rest of us had arrived at the hotel.
The rest of us, that is, except Wilder.
I do know, however, that Ryan didn’t show up until an hour later, and when she got back to our shared room, it looked like she had been crying.
“Are you okay?” I asked her.
She rubbed her eyes and said, “Yes. It’s this stupid town. I can’t handle myself here.”
“Was it Wilder?” I asked, and when she started to protest, I said, “Ryan, comeon. What is the point of being so secretive and dramatic? You obviously drove together. Just spit it the hell out.”
And—listen. I can say this now. It’s in the past. Okay?
But yes. Ryan did say, “Fine! Fine. Maybe there was something between us, okay? But now it’s done. So we all might as well forget it.”
I left it at that.
Twenty
From:
Sent:September 13, 2017, 11:45 p.m.
To:
Subject:Hey
Hey Ellie.
Just a proof of life to prevent you from calling mom on me. Yes, I’ve gotten all your messages. Sorry I don’t really feel like talking at the moment. I’ll let you know if/when I do.
Tbh, I’m still trying to figure out what happened myself. The gist of it I guess is that she and I almost got caught together. It wasn’t the first time. Maybe that was the problem. I thought I’d noticed a car following us when we came out of Logan, but when we got out of the city everything seemed fine. My mistake. That same car found R and I over in Hamilton when we split from the group. Must have tracked us that far.
We were parked on a side street, stealing more time together, and all I remember is seeing a flash through the windshield, and then she flipped. She knew it was a camera before I did. She was out of the car, running toward the guy—she paid him $700 on thespot to delete the photo and she posed for another one, making sure I was well out of frame. Once he was gone I was like why the hell are you carrying that much money on you? But she was ... not in the mood to discuss it.
She was raging. She kept saying something like the one thing, the one thing I can’t afford to lose—which I guess is me, which should make me feel great, but obviously not now.
She didn’t want to lose me so she got rid of me before it could happen.
I tried to convince her. We had this whole knock down drag out fight and I’m not especially happy at how I reacted, but I was pissed. Why does it matter? Why can’t you have both your careerAndme? Why can’t you get over your dumbass hangups and stop being so weird about a normal adult relationship?
I don’t know, Ellie. It’s an unbeatable gig, but I might see what my other options are. I can’t bear to be around her and yet be apart from her. Nobody knows what we’re going through—S and J will talk business to me like everything’s normal and I smile and nod while meanwhile I’m just crumbling inside.
I’m going to have to play songs about myself, do you realize that? Our most intimate tracks, the ones we wrote together. I’ll be physically closer to her onstage than I ever am off it anymore.
I’ll stick out the rest of the album and tour. Then we’ll see.
