He should not have cared.
Marcus had spent his life creating emotional distance between himself and everyone who he knew. He considered himself an island, cut off from everything else, and for good reason. Closeness only brought pain and suffering… his friendship with Harry was a reminder of that.
Still… as he watched his wife and his adopted son, as he listened to their laughter, he knew that deep down he wanted to experience the joy that they lived in. What was more, he wanted to experience it with them.
More than once this past week, Marcus’ mind had gone back to his late-night conversation with Lucy. He had not meant to do so, but he had opened to her in ways he thought were impossible and, in so doing, he revealed wounds that he thought were healed but were as raw and as rotten as ever.
My parents are to blame… yes, that is who. That is why I am this way. They are at fault…
Such lies only made things worse.
Marcus was at fault. He was to blame for his suffering. He had come so close to admitting what he wanted, to taking a chance, to finding a sliver of happiness in the darkness that was his world. It had been right there for the taking, but he had shirked it, denied it, and this here was the result.
Behind him, his desk was piled with ledgers. He had so much work he needed to do but could not find the enthusiasm to do it. Damnation, he did not care anymore! What was once his reason for living now felt wrong, as if it too had betrayed him.
Ultimately, his work no longer brought him joy, and that was the great irony.
He watched Lucy and James for a moment longer. In fact, he might have watched them all day, had Lucy not stopped suddenly, tilted her head, and then turned so as to look directly at the window in which he lurked. His eyes widened and he hurriedly moved away…
Breathing heavy, careful not to be seen, he sneaked another peek and found her still watching.
She knew him better than he knew himself, so she knew why he had rejected her. Marcus wondered what might happen if she gave him another chance, if she came to him and asked him to spend time with herself and James.
He wondered… just as he knew it would never happen.
This mess was created by Marcus, and it would be on him to fix it. But would he? Was he strong enough? Was he able to admit that even he deserved a happy ending?
I am not so sure that I am. And that is the cruelest fate of all. Happiness, right there, but out of reach because of who I am and who I will always be.
Lucy deserved better than him. James deserved better than him. He was doing them a favor by avoiding them… another lie, but Marcus was used to them by now. Really, they were all he had left.
