“Try to relax, Scout,” he said as he pierced through.
I gasped and shrieked as I felt every inch of the thread being pulled through my skin. And then, he pierced the other side and did it again.
“Scout, you need to relax,” he repeated.I pressed my lips and closed my eyes.A moment later, my brain went black.I awoke sometime later. I hissed with pain as I hit my arm when I sat up.
Desi’s voice from the other side of the room caused me to jump out of my skin. “How do you feel?” His hands gripped the arms of his chair as he glared at me.
“I… I’m alive.” I blinked, considering what I’d just said. That wasn’t part of the plan. I was supposed to be dead.
He nodded grimly and sat forward, resting his chin in his hands. “Yes. You are. You want to tell me why you were trying not to be?”
My chin trembled as the tears welled up in my eyes. I shook my head. “Desi, I don’t deserve to live. I’m a monster. I came with you to kill people. Lots of people.” My hands covered my face as I sobbed. “I’m alive, and I shouldn’t be. I need to pay for what we’ve done.”
Desi flew from his chair with such force it hit the wall with a loud thud. He pulled me into his arms. “That’s not true. You’re not a monster. You deserve to be alive. Stop thinking like this!”
How could I think otherwise?
“People are dead because of us, Desi!”
“And if it weren’t us, it would have been someone else. Scout, we’ve been through this. Why are you letting yourself think about them? They are nothing. They were worthless scum. They were—”
“Murderers?” I laughed through my sobs. “And what are we?”
“If you go, then I go too. You know that, right?” Desi whispered. “If you kill yourself, then I will do the same. I can’t live without you, Scout. I love you.”
“Is that a threat?”
“No, it’s the truth. You think I want to live without you? Every day that I’ve been stuck traveling or doing something that keeps me from seeing you has been hell. All I do is think about you, our future, and how to get there. If my future doesn’t include you, I don’t want it.” Desi paused and gently pushed me off of his lap. He climbed off the bed and went to his knees. He reached for my undamaged hand and squeezed. “I want you to make me a deal. A promise. Okay?”
“What?”
“Stay alive until our birthdays. Fight this sadness. Fight it and when you turn twenty-seven, we’ll decide together. If you want to die, we’ll do it together.”
Was this some trick? Did he think he’d be able to convince me that what we’d done was okay?He rubbed the ring he had given me for Christmas.
“Just wait until your birthday, okay? It will get better, and if it doesn’t, I’ll follow you to hell.”
“Hell?”
“That’s what you think, isn’t it?”
Only to avoid causing Desi any more pain, I agreed. I’d stay alive until my birthday and then decide for the both of us.
Would I take us to hell, or were we already there?
