"Mommy?"
Don't call me that.
I refused to turn when I heard the tiny voice a distance away.
"Mommy, I'm home," Lydia called to me from downstairs. I flinched every time I heard her voice, closing my eyes and retreating further into myself.
"Let's go find Mommy. She could use a pickup. She's been sad lately." Max's voice was grating. I covered my ears, but it didn't drown them out.
"Why is Mommy sad?"
"Because she's missed you so very much, Lydia. But you're home now, and you're not going anywhere anymore."
"Really?"
I stood and abandoned the window I'd been staring out and forced a smile just as the two of them entered the library.
"Mommy!" Lydia ran to me, her little toddler arms outstretched. I crouched to allow her to hug me. I wrappedmy arms around her, but there was no emotion behind the embrace.
"How have you been, Lydia?" I asked as I let her go and, as politely as I could, stepped backward, out of her reach.
"Good." She put her hands behind her back and swung her little body back and forth. "Daddy says I'm going to a new school soon. I live here now.”
"I heard. How exciting." I looked toward Max. "Where is Jordan?"
Jordan was Lydia's nanny. Max paid her to travel with her and take care of her full time. She'd been with Lydia since she was born.
"Jordan is no longer employed with us. I think it's time Lydia bonds with you. Don't you think?" His lips were curved into a smile, but his eyes were cold, challenging me to say something in front of her.
"I think the relationship we have now is fine," I lied. The guilt of how I regarded the little girl ached constantly, but I couldn’t change how I felt. Her presence in my life was an eternal reminder of what I'd lost when Gatsby left me.
"Really? A daughter not knowing her mother is fine? Daisy, come on. Hasn't it been long enough? This game we're playing."
"There isn't any game, Max." I turned away, returning to the window. I looked down at the dock, where the green light used to be. I'd managed to catch it when it went out, and it felt apt to what I felt in my heart.
Just like the dock, my green light was gone.
"What are your plans today? I want you to spend the day with Lydia."
I turned back, shaking my head. "Tuth is picking me up soon. I have to be at the Theater. Dress rehearsal."
"Oh? Well, before you go, I have some paperwork I need your signature on. Stop by my office before you leave.Actually, Lydia and I might join you." He went to her, taking her tiny hand in his. "What do you say, you want to go watch Mommy dance? Maybe we can get you some tutus too, and she can teach you to dance like her."
"Yes, yes, yes!" Lydia squealed and pulled Max out of the room. He stopped by the door to point at me.
"Don't forget those papers."
Later, with my gym bag over my shoulder, I stopped by Max's home office. Lydia was lying on the carpet, coloring. She barely looked up as I came in. Max was constantly trying to push us on each other, but I think she, as young as she was, had a similar regard. She didn't know why, of course, but I think deep down, she knew we'd never have the relationship Max wanted us to have.
"What did you need me to sign?" I asked, looking back at the door.
"Here, sign and date these." He handed me a thin packet.
I scanned it quickly.
"A restraining order? Max, I'm not signing this." I tossed it back on his desk. "That's absurd."
"It's the only way to get him to leave our family alone. He's already out of jail, somehow. But now I can't trust him not to harass you at the Theater. We need to do this."
