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I hesitate before hitting send.
No. Do it.
I do it.
There; done.
I then block her number.
I take in a big breath through my nose and slowly let it out through my teeth, cheeks puffed.
Next… Stephanie Dearest.
I open the inbox message from her on my Facebook app and re-read her last message telling me she wants to explain. There’s another message below it.
“I’m a horrible bitch. I am just a selfish judgmental projecting cow. Please please please know how shitty I feel that you’ve seen how ugly I actually am inside. I see myself through your eyes right now. I heard you got a new job in Cali. I’m happy & jelly. I don’t know why the shit that comes out of my mouth is so toxic sometimes. I’m going to work on that. You didn’t deserve what I said. I don’t deserve a bff like you. I hope that even though that’s true, that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me. I’m so sad I don’t get to be excited for the new life you’ve got. But honestly, I’m too jealous and toxic right now so I wouldn’t be any good for you anyway. I’d just be over here being green with envy. I deserve as many bad things as you can say about me. And it even makes me mad that you probably won’t say bad things about me. You’re a much better person than I am. I hope when your work contract is over, we can meet for coffee and talk, Carly Dearest. You’re always going to be my Carly Dearest. Your stupid Stephanie un-dearest. Xo”
The dots tell me she’s typing a new message. She must’ve seen my read receipt and now she’s typing.
I wait until it stops. It takes a while. I feel bad for about half a second, but no. This is classic Steph. Apologizing for being toxic and making this about her somehow. She’s justified her behavior by saying she’s got irrational feelings so, o
f course, I should forgive her. Gimme a break.
But, it doesn’t change anything, does it? She still said and thought those things about me. How could I ever trust her again? Not like I did, that’s for sure.
The Facebook app dings as her new message comes through.
“I owe you an explanation about Jon. He was bitching to me for months about being bored with you because you take your job so serious, because you’re a drag. I also know he was talking to Tom before you guys broke up. You both are THE topic of convo in our friend group. Tom said Jon broke up with you just so he could sleep with that Roxanne skank, and planned to make up afterwards so he wasn’t technically cheating. Said he needed to get into adult mode like you so he was gonna break up for a month and get as much action as he could, then get back w u and buckle down and start adulting. It backfired. We are all talking about the pics you posted yesterday on FB & IG. He was ready to grovel when he found out you were in Cali, figuring he could keep fucking around until you get back. But now, he sees your makeover (you look so amazing btw. Serious bombshell. I hate you a little.) and your new job and all that success and that you don’t look like you’re pining away and he’s kicking himself. Tom said he’s one hot mess on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He’s talking about flying down there to win you back, maybe see if he can stay down there w u and get a job. Your Mom told him your job has you in a corp apt and so he would totally come down and leech off you. Do NOT take him back. He doesn’t deserve you. I don’t deserve you either, but I hope you’ll take me back. I’m proud of you for bouncing back like this. Still hate you a little with my green envy eyes but Love u 4ever too. Xo.
Whoa. Whoa.
As I absorb that, my throat is dry. I’m parched.
One more message comes in.
“You don’t have to reply. Knowing you’ve read this is enough for me for now. Call me when you’re ready.”
Oh, how generous of you, Steph. I stick my tongue out and blow a raspberry at my phone.
I look at my door and purse my lips. I don’t wanna go back out there so I decide to settle for some tap water. I grab an empty water bottle from the table beside my bed and decide to take it to the bathroom to rinse and refill it.
When I get to the hallway, I see the pocket doors are wide open. All the lights are on, but it looks like no one’s out there. I go to the fridge and fill my water bottle with water from the dispenser on the front of the fridge instead. I check the lock, seeing it’s already locked, then turn out all the lights except for the little one over the stove so that when he gets home, he’ll have a bit of light, and then I head back to my room. It’s stuffy in here. I open the windows wide before I lift my phone and stare at Jon’s contact details for a minute. I take a deep breath. Two. Three.
And then I sit sideways on the wide windowsill, cocking my knees. and dial.
He answers with my name instead of by saying hello.
“Yeah,” I say, flatly.
“Oh, thank God. We need to talk. I… I fucked up.”
“Yeah, you did. You fucked up, Jon.”
“We need to make it right, babe.”
“We don’t.”
“Carly…”
