I shook my head, not able to summon the bravery to confront what this was. “Yeah.”And the Oscar for the most unconvincing performance goes to…
Connor lifted his hand to touch me, but dropped it quickly as more of our teammates moved past us. “Jake’s just shooting his mouth off,” he said easily. “Don’t worry about it.”
He read my mind, sure enough, but he didn’t delve deep enough to hear the thoughts that were bubbling inside me.
That I needed to know if he felt it too.
That I didn’t want to be the only one.
That I didn’t want to be braver than he was.
That if I asked, I couldn’t un-ask.
I nodded anyway, because that was easier for the situation we were in. Easier than admitting I was a mess from him wearing my jersey and wanting it to mean more than it did.
“Let’s go get a drink,” is all I said, keeping my voice easy.
He brushed his hand against mine, and that was enough to calm my nerves to get through the evening.
40
Teddy
My body was sore in all the right ways.
I was getting used to waking up here. We’d been spending time between his place and mine over the last few weeks since the barbecue. More his lately, since his place was bigger too, and I loved being closer to the beach.
Opening my eyes, I stretched, reaching instinctively for warmth that wasn’t there. The other side of the bed was empty, sheets cool where Connor should’ve been, and that coastal breeze fluttered in through the slightly open balcony doors, making the sheer drapes dance.
There was movement somewhere there, the low timbre of his voice traveling through the gap of the open doors. I hadn’t planned on listening, but his voice carried as I pulled the covers higher.
“…yeah, I’m here,” he said, his tone sharper than I was used to. “No, I know. I saw the email. Is it going to delay things?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I shouldn’t be listening. I should get up, shower, go about my day.
“I’m available later this afternoon,” he continued. A pause. “I can make my way there. Do you need me to bring anything?”
When he spoke again, his voice dropped even further, edged with something else and the edge of his shadow passed on the side of the glass door.
“I said I’d consider it.”
My stomach tightened.
My heart was thudding into the mattress as I forgot all about not listening, and stopped breathing.
“I’m aware of the timing,” he said. “That’s why I need a few days, they can wait.”
Another beat where I couldn’t breathe.
“…it’s a done deal, I told you already,” he finished. “Yeah, I agree this is big it’ll change a lot but I’m ready for it.”
The call ended and I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Pretend I had no clue about the fact he’d be moving to another country? If that’s what he was talking about, I can only assume.
I was used to this, to people making decisions and leaving. I’d learned early in my life not to chase explanations that weren’t being offered. And if he was going to tell me, he would’ve done it already. This was just another fleeting thing.
Was that what I even wanted anymore?We hadn’t talked about it. Maybe I needed to finally talk to Micah and tell her everything first.
I wasn’t ready to tackle that thought process yet. Covers pooled to the bottom of the bed as I moved, my feet finding the cool wooden floor, and my lungs expanded.
