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He pulled her to his lap, cradling her close. She sniffled and clung to him, her heart breaking all over again. “I don’t know what happened.”
“It’s okay.” His hand rubbed up her spine, the motion so incredibly comforting. He pulled the blanket over them, as if to say the nudity under the covers no longer mattered. “It’s okay.”
She couldn’t explain what happened, so she said nothing. She couldn’t control her tears, so she simply cried, unprepared for the intense emotions bottled up inside of her.
Small sniffles mounted and tumbled out of her in wrenching sobs that were humiliating and inexplicable. But Ryan never let her go. He simply held her.
He stroked her back, tucking her hair behind her ears, never asking for explanations or apologies. It was like he understood everything ripping her apart in that moment and respected that it was bigger than both of them.
A jumble of confused memories skated through her tired mind. Her first time with Nash. All the wild places they did it. The last time they did it. It was as if she couldn’t focus on anything else until she recalled every single time with him, committed each one to memory, and put it somewhere safe so it could never go away.
Her desire for Ryan remained, but her fickle heart wouldn’t let her enjoy it. Her body had closed up like a shell, cold on the outside, unevenly warm on the inside.
They lay there until the sun faded and dark shadows stole the light. Ryan didn’t sleep and he didn’t speak. Maybe he feared this was the end. Maybe it was. She couldn’t bear too much self-examination, because she’d known all along this could happen, and she ignored it, telling herself that with therapy and determination she could somehow bury all the pain and be a normal woman again.
She’d spent two long years dissecting every part of her ravaged soul, and there was nowhere to bury the vast amount of pain left inside of her. Her heart was a hopeless Chernobyl and anyone who came too close would get hurt.
She should have never involved him. She wasn’t ready and chances were she’d never be. Detangling her body from his arms, she sat up, her eyes searching the darkness for her clothes.
“Stay.”
Sitting on the edge of the bed, her back toward him, she lowered her head. “I can’t.”
“Why?”
Didn’t he see? This was how it would always be. She couldn’t move past the obstacles. They were too big, too agonizing, too scary. “I’m sorry I couldn’t…” The words strangled her, and her eyes flooded with fresh tears. “I just can’t.”
He sat up, his hand pressing softly to her exposed back. “Can’t stay or don’t want to?”
Choking on her excuses, she physically tensed trying to get the words past the lump in her throat. He was asking for so much more than just one night. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
She moved off the bed as he tried to hug her. She couldn’t bear his touch, not after leading him on and letting him down. She needed to get her clothes and get out of there.
“Maggie, wait.” The light turned on, her shame and nudity exposed in glaring reality.
She covered her breasts and torso with her crumpled shirt and pants. Screw the bra, she could get another one.
“I can’t, Ryan. You don’t understand what this is doing to me. I’m sorry. I have to go. Please, just let me leave.”
The look in his eyes so wrought with rejection and confusion broke her heart. That delicate little sliver of hope she’d found, wilted like it never existed.
“I don’t understand.” His brow creased and his eyes turned pleading. “We can slow down. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
“You didn’t.” She’d been the one to take off her clothes. This entire evening was her doing. And the worst part was, she wanted him, but she was too fucked up to have him. “I made a mistake.”
“What mistake? This isn’t a mistake, Maggie.”
Realizing they couldn’t go backwards and undo what was done, she understood that once this ended there could be no friendship, no pizza takeout, no game days, or movie Sundays. She swallowed against the lump choking her.
“I think you’re wonderful, Ryan. But you aren’t meant for me. I think you need to find someone else.”
“I don’t want someone else,” he snapped. “Let’s talk about this for a second.”
She forced her arms into her shirt and yanked on her pants. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“There’s everything to talk about, Maggie. We have something, whether you’re willing to admit it or not.”
“Don’t you get it?” She snatched her shoes off the floor and moved to the door. “You have something. You have this amazing personality and a family that gets you and doesn’t want to change you. You’re gorgeous, loyal, and dependable. I’m none of those things. I can’t even depend on myself. I can’t bear my own family, so I’ll never be able to handle one as big as yours. Every day I’m paralyzed by social anxiety. It’s not like an outfit I can change. It’s who I am. Somehow you slipped past my defenses, but you can’t stay. I can’t handle this. So, if you care about me at all, please respect that and let me go.”
