“I don’t want to end up hurting you.”
The view of the trees above disappears as Teddy leans over me, frowning. “How are you going to hurt me?”
“I … I don’t know. I’m just scared that I will.”
“Well I don’t think you will. You need to have more faith in us, Bay. More faith in yourself.” He presses a finger against my chest, over my heart. “Because I do. I think you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and I want you to stay.”
A single tear slips free, scalding as it runs down my cheek. Teddy leans down to kiss me gently on the lips, and it’s almost too much. I want to believe him, but just one blackout could end everything. Us … me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I hurt him.
Stop it,I growl to myself. I’ve known Teddy for a year and a half and I haven’t hurt him. I’ve lived away from home for six months and nothing bad has happened. Everything bad that’s ever happened has been in that house. Away from it—away from my family—I feel safe. In control.
“Okay?” he whispers against my lips.
I nod. “Take me home, Teddy.”
BAILEY
He’s avoiding me,and every day that passes, I feel like I’m losing a grip on myself. Something really bad must have happened the night Teddy left me, and I hate not knowing what. My mood’s plummeted, I’m struggling to eat, headaches are a daily occurrence, and I had my first nightmare in nine months last night.
I roll over in bed and come face to face with Noah. His eyes are closed, and his mouth hangs open with quiet little snores filling the silence. He’s been sharing my bed since he was fifteen; just crawled into it one night, and refused to leave. Even if he does like to sleep diagonally and take up eighty per cent of the bed, in times like this, when I’m so in my head like this, I’m glad I’m not alone.
I poke his face. “Get up, Noah. It’s eight.” He groans as I slide out of bed, bending down to retrieve my anxiety pills from my suitcase. I pop one in my mouth and wash it down with water.
“Why?” Noah complains.
“You asked me to wake you up to go jogging before breakfast." I don’t think I can actually stomach any food, but if we get to the farmhouse early enough, I might bump into Teddy.
“Fine,” he grumbles, throwing the duvet off and getting dressed.
I follow him out of the house and he jogs off ahead of me. When he looks back, I plaster on a fake smile and overtake him.
Running usually helps to clear my mind, but the silence surrounding me lets the monsters in.
“You’re never good, Bailey.Never,”my brother’s voice carries on the wind. My light jog turns into a run, Dean’s voice chasing me also:“Hey, baby boy.”I pick up my speed until I’m sprinting, pumping my arms and legs as fast as I can until my lungs burn and my knees feel like they might buckle. My stomach cramps, and I come to an abrupt stop, grabbing my stomach as I double over, retching.
Noah eventually catches up with me. “No more,” he gasps. “Come on, you’re done.” He marches me all the way to the farmhouse, telling me I’m stupid for doing that on an empty stomach. Once inside, he forces me to sit on the stool and tells Teddy’s gran I need a double portion of bacon. I roll my eyes, about to protest, but Mary shoves a plate under my nose before I can say a word.
“Gran!” someone yells from another room.
Mary rolls her eyes. “I best go see what Isla wants.” She unties her apron and hangs it up before leaving the room.
“Have you got therapy later?” Noah asks.
I freeze with my fork almost to my mouth, suddenly nauseous. “No. Carol said we could pick it up again when the wedding’s over. Unless I—unless I feel like I need her.”
Noah raises an eyebrow, and I know he thinks I need her.
Everything is starting to unravel in the worst possible way. What's worse is that I’m the one doing the unravelling, and Iknow I’m not going to stop until Teddy tells me what happened—even if I destroy myself in the process.
Even if I do need my therapist, I can’t tell her aboutthis. I haven’t told her everything about my past. I’m not ready for it. I may never be. I’m fucking terrified that if the whole truth comes out, they’ll lock me up and throw away the key.
I put the fork down and rub my temples to try and ease the god-awful throbbing. Noah bumps his shoulder against mine in comfort, but remains silent, knowing not to push me.
“There’s the unhappy couple,” Richard says as he walks into the kitchen. “We’re all going to the pub later, you’re coming right?”
“Who’sall?”Noah asks.
Richard steals a sausage from Noah’s plate. “Me, Isla, Theo, and Robbie,” he mumbles, chewing.
