THEO
My ex-boyfriend is cradledin my lap, and I have no idea what the fuck is going on. The moment I’d started to recall what happened to me that night, I realised it wasn’t Bailey who had hurt me. Small things I’d never let myself think about before crept to the surface, things I hadn’t noticed even as they were happening. I’d been so out of it between the drugs and fear that I hadn’t paid enough attention to what was happening—which I guess is exactly what Shane had wanted.
I recognised that look in Bailey’s eyes a moment ago. I’ve seen it once before, when we first found the shed in the woods. He’d run from me, fear and desperation pulsing off him in waves. Then when I caught him, he shook like a leaf in my arms until he went deathly still. Just like he is now.
A section of the wall I’d built around my heart cracked seeing him break like that again, and now it feels like something’s trying to crawl back inside. I know I’m not strong enough to push it out. Not sure if I even want to, not now I have my handson him again. He’s bigger than I remember, but it still feels the same as it did.He’sstill the same, lying in my arms, solid and warm.
I rest my chin on top of his head and squeeze him a little tighter. My heartbeat hasn’t slowed down since he stopped fighting me. If anything, it’s getting worse because my gut feeling was right—Bailey had nothing to do with what happened to me, and I’ve despised him for it for years. Bile rises to my throat, and I swallow it back down. My thoughts flit between wondering why Shane would have done that to me, and why Bailey can’t remember part of the night.
“Bay?” I call out to him gently, the nickname rolling off my tongue naturally. I realise I called him that earlier too, the familiarity of it comforting. I lean around him to see his face. His eyes are closed, eyelashes sweeping down towards the freckles that sprinkle his nose and cheeks. I gently maneuver one arm around his back and one under his knees, then push myself up off the floor. My legs shake as though they could give out at any moment. “Holy shit, you’re heavy, Bay,” I mutter to myself. “This was a lot easier when we were kids.”
I make my way over to one of the sofas and lower him down, blowing out a breath as I look around the flat. My eyes go straight to the knife, then back to Bailey. I lift his hand, seeing a small cut on the tip of his finger, then let it go again, not sure what to think about that. I pick up the knife, then go to the kitchen and grab the whole knife block. There’s a cupboard full of random shit, from winter coats to board games. I shove the knives as far back as I can, burying them amongst the mess. Whether Bailey just wanted to scare me into leaving, or if he was planning on using the knife to hurt himself, I’m not taking any chances, not with how he was screaming and yelling that he needs to be punished.
I head upstairs to the bathroom, grab the two shavers on the sink, and hide them in another cupboard. It’s enough to settle me slightly. If I fall asleep, there’s nothing he can easily get his hands on. When I leave the bathroom, I come face to face with two doors. One of them is Bailey’s bedroom.
I bite down on my bottom lip, knowing I shouldn’t. Hecouldtechnically have something dangerous in there, but that’s not the driving factor behind me opening the doors. I need to know more about the man who feels both like a stranger and someone painfully familiar.
Inside the room on the left, everything’s tidy: there’s just a double bed with navy bedsheets that look untouched. There are no personal items to show if this is Bailey’s or Noah’s room. I close the door and open the one on my right instead. I’m immediately hit with a mix of colognes, rumpled charcoal bedsheets on a larger bed, and clothes strewn across the room. My chest feels tight as I cautiously step inside. There are pillows with creases and dents on either side of the bed. Any intention I had of looking for things Bailey could use to harm himself is quickly abandoned. I pick up two T-shirts that were left on the end of the bed and look at the collars. One is a medium, the other a small. I scrunch them up, and throw them back. I’m sure Isla said Bailey and Noah are just friends. The tightness in my chest won’t go away, and my stomach twists itself into a knot. I don’t like that I know nothing about the man he’s become, and after everything that’s happened, I realise I didn’t really know the boy he was before.
I leave the bedroom and head back downstairs. Bailey’s in the same position on the sofa, knees tucked up to his stomach, arm covering his head. I take his shoes and socks off then grab a blanket, draping it over him as little whimpers fall from his lips. I collapse on the sofa opposite him, trying to force myself to sleep, but my heart starts thumping against my rib cage againso hard that it hurts. There’s too much I need to know—to understand what he hid from me the two years we were together, because right now I’m terrified that I missed something big.
BAILEY
I wake up,body stiff and mind hazy. The memory of me screaming as Teddy held me on the floor comes back, and my cheeks heat instantly. I didn’t want to break in front of him, that’s exactly why I wanted him to leave.
Rubbing my eyes, I force myself off the sofa, head spinning as I make my way to the kitchen, each step sending a shockwave of pain through my head. I take two ibuprofen and swallow them down with some water, trying to chase the headache away before it turns into a migraine. My hands are shaking as I put the cup down. More fractured moments from last night push their way forward—Teddy’s face as he told me I’d tried to kill him. Me yelling at him, threatening him with a knife. Being held down. Wanting to be punished.
My eyes dart to the kitchen counter where the knife block should be but it’s not there. I frown, searching the kitchen. It’s gone—so is the knife I’d picked up yesterday.
Teddy …
There’s a weight sitting in the pit of my stomach. I’ve never hurt myself before; not when Shane was always there to do it for me. I shake my head, making myself a cup of tea on autopilot, trying not to think about how letting him do it was just as bad as doing it myself.
I don’t know how to fix it this time. I know nothing I can do will be enough for him to forgive me—let alone forgive myself. I stir my tea and go to throw the spoon into the sink, pause for a moment, then put it back in hot liquid. When I pull it out again, I press it against the inside of my forearm. The burn is sharp and fast, but the spoon cools down too quickly to do much else. It’s not nearly enough.
“What are you doing?”
I jump and throw the spoon in the sink. “N-nothing.” I keep my back turned, afraid to look at him.Why is he still here?
“We need to talk,” he says, voice firm but gentle. I shake my head. I don’t want to. I can’t. He touches my shoulder, and I flinch so hard I drop my cup. Hot tea splashes up my legs, rooting me to the spot.
“Jesus,” Teddy mutters, yanking me back from the spill. As he uses a tea towel to dry my feet, the world tilts off its axis, and I sway, grabbing hold of his shoulder to keep myself upright. I look down at him for a moment, then push away, running for the door.
I’ve been here before, running from Teddy as if my life depended on it. Except that’s not it at all. I run from him becausehislife depends on it. Every second I spend with him puts him in more danger. I’ll never be able to escape the monster that dwells inside me.
I reach the bus stop at the end of the road and stop to catch my breath, leaning against the shelter.
“You okay, mate?” A middle-aged man steps into my line of sight, cigarette in hand. He takes a drag while looking down atmy bare feet, raising an eyebrow. My chest rises and falls quickly as I stare at the red cherry glowing. He blows the smoke out the side of his mouth away from me, but the smell hits me instantly. My stomach churns, vision darkening.
“What do you think will happen if you leave me? If there’s no one to keep you under control? What happens when animals aren’t enough and you want to hurt someone?” He leans closer, whispering. “What if you hurt Theo?”
“No!” I yell. “I didn’t … I wouldn’t.” I stumble over my words, throat closing up for the first time in years.
“Get away from him.” Teddy is suddenly next to me, putting himself between me and the stranger.
“Hey, man, I was just asking if he was alright.”
“He’s fine.”
